I spent my 4th watching chick flicks (it was one of those days), trying to get some scripted clarity of my recent romantic situation. Even though 'The Women' was a horrible SNTC spin-off attempt, a point was made that made me wish the thought were my own. When you chose to love, in a friendly or romantic way, you run the risk of being betrayed. Though transgressions are usually unintentional, it can not be avoided that someone will end up hurt. If losing my Grandma isn't enough, I now have to add the insult that my lover will not be there for me physically to hold my hand when I need him the most. I've recently had an emotional epiphany; realizing just how important my relationships with the people who mean something to me are. I know I have some work to do in expressing that importance. When most people leave home, going out into the world to become the perfect version of who they want to be, they lose touch with the truest part of themselves. And that usually results from the separation from family and religion. I'm guilty of being one of the many estranged from loved ones and childhood friends and it's my decision to bridge those gaps. I would rather have meaningful relationships that will enrich my life, and provide the type of support that I need, then to go through life making relationships of convenience with a bunch of people that I can no longer depend on. I began to put my pride aside and tell Mr. just how much he means/meant to me, not knowing that the added energy that I was giving him was also fueling his cock-eyed ego. Needless to say, some things were said that can't be taken back, and I'm left to lick my wounds in the corner. You see, Mr. is a player reformed. Used to the pimper-ish ways of his escorting home girls and affiliated home boys, he's surprisingly shown drastic improvement after having a better example (me) to observe. But sometimes, he relapses and we have a day like today... where I don't know if his heart is coming or going.
I have noticed a personal pattern: the moment I tear down the wall that kept my feelings in tact, is the moment my counterpart almost becomes my enemy; capitalizing on my vulnerability. A close friend of mine made a good point as I sat in his kitchen drinking red wine: "you can't get around the bullshit, you just got to ask yourself who's bullshit is worth putting up with!"
sigh.... as big of a cheerleader I am for love and relationships, some things just aren't worth your dignity.
The moment I begin being called out my name, and forced to end friendships, I have to question who I am going to be loyal to: a dysfunctional relationship, or myself. It's a fine line between committed and crazy... and I'm 'beefing it up' all on it. Usually when I get to this point; where I've had to sit down and make my pro/con list, I fight myself. Fight my stubborn streak that doesn't perpetuate stereotypes, and the part of me that just simply wants to love and be loved. No one expects modern love to last, but keeping self respect in exchange for a botched relationship on a resume is a no brain er.
Being older gives me the guts to tell my Mom how much I was sheltered from the ugly ways of folks, and how I should have been schooled on "the rules" and "the game". (Cause there is a difference) Even though I hate to admit it, there is a level of "romantic/social success" that can be achieved, when the game is played right. The phenom of "fronting" kicked chivalry's ass so bad, people don't want to speak its name... in fear of being considered "weak". This type of social intimidation has forced so many old school lovers to become players... blindly leading each other through the experience of love. I prefer the good old fashioned rules, which deal more with mutual respect and displaying genuine interest versus the fickleness of "the game". The game is all about assumptions, smoke and mirrors... a concept I knew nothing about until recent years.
The game is quite a conundrum. Now if I have this right (taps pen on chin), two attractive people who obviously are interested in each other decide to get to know each other better, and use a combination of complicated signals to convey that interest. There can be no straight forward questions on intent, you can't tell the other how you feel, everything has to be decoded and translated, sex is exchanged before "i love you"... it's a bit much. Too much for this fragile heart of mine to handle, so as much as it may cause discomfort, the consequences from "the rules" are quite temporary. And the rewards are everlasting... once you find "bullshit" that's worth it.
If you are entertaining angry or vengeful thoughts about someone- even if you never show your anger or seek revenge on that person- you are causing harm. But you aren't causing harm to the one you are upset with; you are causing harm to yourself. By allowing negative thoughts to eat away at you because someone has hurt you or disappointed you in some way, then you are building a wall around yourself. Each negative of hostile thought is like a brick in that wall. The higher you build it, the harder it will be for good thoughts and positive energy to enter. Let go of what you can't control.