I'm Baaaaack!

 "Girl! Where you been? Where you been hiding?!" 

were the first words I heard when I came back to work at the club a couple of weeks ago. I knew what to expect that 'first day' back and the week that followed. Me, answering the same, evasive question from a bunch of strangers. I can't even remember who it was that started asking, in my opinion, the dumbest, and out of place question ever. Not because I was being asked in front of some of the nosiest people in a volume that demanded attention, but because it was coming from people who I knew couldn't care less what I had been up to the past six months. They were asking to simply...be nosy.

I've noticed that the reasons why people enter the adult industry vary greatly. It amazes me sometimes the severity or frivolousness the circumstances are, and I know my story is my own, so I try not to judge anyones situation. During my time in various clubs I've witnessed the ups and downs of the money flow, am aware of the trade off there is to live a socialite's life, and have seen many people during their own evolution. Of coming from a child in the world, to full grown women, with families and real issues. I remember the girls who travel during the "off season" or find themselves in relationships,and they choose to take a break...but eventually come back. One thing that I can say about this whole world of glamour and celebrity, is that its taxing. On your body as well as your spirit. And sometimes, the money, lifestyle, and high expectations from others becomes     too      much.

 I take breaks whenever I notice a change in myself. When my light hearted-ness turns into harsh sarcasm, or my appreciation for things isn't where I feel it should be, I take my position on the bench gracefully. And enter a new game. I don't think that after I saved up, started a lucrative business, and retired early, I could buy a fresh outlook on life. The money isn't worth me not being able to enjoy simple things. 

It used to bother me when others around me would give their smart ass comments, but they're also the same people who now ask me the steps I to to get out of a spoiled routine or are doing the same things as me. it should make me feel good to be able to be smug, but honestly I'm just glad that they're either doing something that they feel better doing, or at least has got the process started with a thought.

Its just another hustle. A means to an end, that I don't think ANY of us give up 100% as long as we're still in decent shape. Lol. My battery is recharged and it makes me happy to be able to take care of myself. Don't call it a comeback, just because I came back...I'm just doing what makes $ense!

I ♥ Him for this

That New New

caramel is the classic.

peanut butter is my fave.

it broke my heart when they stopped making cookies and cream

but then came...

java.

and i got over it.

$trenth In Numbers

written March 18, 2010
one thing i notice now that i'm older with dating, is the obvious power struggle that goes on between men and women. deciding who's in control early in the relationship really seems to be important . as a vintage girl living in a modern world, i'll let you have it! i have no problem with letting my partner "think" he has the upper hand. it's in a man's nature to need to know that he's in charge... honestly, when you use a little patience, let some shit slide, and let your man be a man, things are the better for everyone!




i was brought up in the church. youth ministry, usher, choir, bible study, outreach program, you name a day of the week, and you could find me at church. my mom ran the bookstore and my dad was in charge of the entire sound system and recording the sermons. being that my family was so involved, i had a true back stage, all access pass to every part of the church. i got to listen to the wisdom of many women, and what i admired so much about them, was the silent influence that they had over their household. in the public eye, they played the supporting cast that created a united front to all outsiders. but in her home and circle of friends, she's the muscle behind the whole operation and the reason why things are done with such care. yep, church was the place where i accepted the concept of what "lane" i should be in as a woman.



no one's perfect. i couldn't imagine what life would be like if me and all my habits were constantly put under review. with knowing this, how could i expect so much, from one person? i was having a debate [via text] with one of my side dishes about respect.



"u gotta stop actin like a nigga. u try to be waaaaaay too hard. it's okay to relax sometimes." was the message that he sent that got my brain going in another tangent: what behavoir is considered to be ladylike?



i've met some great men in my life. the kind that open doors, caress your hand while eating in popular restaurants, tell you how they feel, even the kind that will play the fool because they dig me that much. they've taught me things that would better me as a person and have showed genuine love... but i've mostly met assholes; that put more emphasis on getting physical than getting to know my name, lie to 'spare feelings', or use violence to control. after "crapping out" one too many times, i decided to take a break from finding someone to fufill me and focused on establishing myself. self sufficiency seemed to be respected far more than how well i respected others or myself. after spending so much time and energy taking care of myself, it's hard for me to allow someone, who doesn't know my struggle, to dictate how they feel i should be treated. many friends and relatives i know that raise children on their own, or have other situations that have made them be independent have a problem with submission. men, as well as women. i think my guy friend just wasn't comfortable with my inability to back down to bullshit and therefore found it, "un lady like". after thinking about it, i don't think it was the fact that i stood up for myself that bothered him as much as it was a blow to his ego that he couldn't get away with treating me how he gets to treat others. accusing me of being less than i am reverses the whole control thing... and now he's on top!



no matter which modern relationship i look at, the dynamics of their union don't seem to go very far. after the physical attraction comes the kids, which leads to property and a lucrative business to support a lifestyle that lacks love. the lack of personal connection makes the elaborate trips and shopping sprees a must. that type of treatment becomes an obligation, instead of a treat they knew their loved one would enjoy. being involved in such a charade makes it that much easier to call it quits after a few years. tough times occur and it's more common to cut your loses [which usually includes cutting a check] than to push your faith and try to work things out...



nowadays, the priceless qualities that should be valued: loyalty, patience, understanding, simply....aren't. unfortunately. as long as people are judged by their tax bracket and possessions, money will be the reason for an agreeance as well as a conflict in relationships. as long as one person has the upper hand in finances, the attitude of superiority is bound to pop it's ugly face all in the mix. hopefully i can find a man that can understand that making him 'jefe' doesn't mean that we can't be equals. at the end of it all, we need each other, therefore one isn't over the other. i understand that numbers don't lie, but the amount you hold in the bank doesn't totally outwieght the things in people that you can't replace.

Box-less.

Yes, yes, yes, I've had as many jobs as the jamaican's on In Living Color. So what?! I wear many hats. But don't throw me in a box to comfort yourself...

whatever it is... I'LL BE THAT! lol

funniest part= the 'fly' girl crashing into the car

moral of the story= don't try to be something you're not!

1.7 Leauges in the Sea

Everyone has heard about, seen footage, or read about the oil spill that started April 20, 2010. Rigs owned by BP is pouring over 1.7 million gallons of oil per day into the ocean... with no end in sight. I've seen pictures of ocean shore lines splashed with brown water, wildlife coated in oil, and learned about the 11 crew workers who are missing and presumed dead. All the news brings confusion to my mind, anger in my guts, and tears to my eyes. Recently, the spill reached the shore lines of Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. What I didn't know was that instead of coming up with a fix and trying it, BP is taking forever to come up with solutions and organizations are capitalizing off of this unfortunate event.

HORIZON RELIEF'S SOLUTION

I can't force people to take the time out to recycle their plastic and paper products to preserve our environment, but I will strongly suggest that people don't believe the media hype! The organization Horizon Relief is bottling up an ounce of oil and marsh water for the public to buy for $25. If you "donate" $1,000, you will receive a special edition numbered bottle from one of the biggest environmental disaster. All proceeds will go towards local workers who can't petition BP or get this......

the federal government for "assistance"

It strikes me as odd when an organization raises money for government assistance, and not for the families of those who died during the rig explosion, or towards clean up crews. BP has taken full responsibility and has assured citizens that the problem will be fixed; seeing how the government has denounced any responsibility towards cleaning up the spill. This is one of the most ridiculous attempts to pacify the public by a company/government that I've lived long enough to witness.

My prayers and thoughts are with the families of:

• Dale Burkeen
• Jason Anderson
• Donald Clark
• Stephen Curtis
• Gordon Jones
• Wyatt Kemp
• Karl Kleppinger
• Blair Manuel
• Dewey Revette
• Shame Roshto
• Adam Weise

Let's not forget what's important!

Man of My Dreams

I was doing some shopping for some random items at a random crowded store, when I remembered the real reason I came out the house to join the retail madness: to see Him. Someone who doesn't belong to me [since I've become content with being single] but brings me great joy. I make my way through the bulk of bargains and I find Him. Busy, and inattentive. But with what? I can't really tell. I can't figure out if he's busy with work, or working on getting busy, either way, I feel totally neglected and stupid that I uprooted myself for someone who instantly made me feel less than what I am. A brief encounter ends up with a smart remark from his side, implying some irrational-ness from my part and now, I find myself in a tizzy. I remember coherently rambling reminders of all his indiscretions that might be the reasons why we're not together. I went on so long, my throat tightened, my voice raised, and my eyes filled with tears. His lack of responsibility to stand behind his own actions had thrown me into a panic attack [a condition I didn't develop until I started encountering dysfunctional relationships] and now I was in the middle of the store, arguing with a man who couldn't care less as he "excused himself" to complete random tasks. All I could do was stop while I was ahead to further avoid to appear as the 'crazy one', pull my hat down to cover my eyes, and walk out....

I woke up to a tear soaked pillow.

I believe there are hidden meanings in dreams. A part of your subconscious that unlocks suppressed desires and true wantings. I believe them to also give insight on things that are currently going on in your life, or will soon happen. Last night I was enjoying a double feature with a good friend at my favorite drive-in theater, when I got a text from an old flame. Someone who has proved, time after time, to be toxic to my personal growth. Whenever he's around, I transform into an irrational, emotional wreck still racked by our past. And the most dysfunctional part is that we never want to fully admit or even talk about what went wrong. But we're still greatly effected by it. Needless to say, I gave in to my addiction and agreed to 'get up and get out' of the house after the movies ended. After getting home and navigating my way through random links online, I fell asleep...and had that dream. I woke up around 8 this morning to a missed text at 5 a.m:

"you still up?"

At that moment, it clicked what role he wanted me to play in his life: the pretty face that's expected to eat any scrap of time that he's willing to throw her, even though he's involved with another woman. He wants me to be content with being an option; until he figures his next move. I've never been the kind of girl who makes plans with a man who's not my man after 9p.m. because I know the message it gives. I guess that over time he was expecting me to give up on finding love, but unlike him, I haven't let what others have done make me afraid to find what I want in my life. I can't remember the last time Him and I had a real conversation, and it'll probably be a while before we have another. So what's the point? He's told me about some of the mishaps in his life since I left it and his poor judgement has left him jaded and heartless. I feel sorry for Him and others who feel like everyone is out to get them, or only form friendships with certain people because they have something they want. It's unfortunate that they miss out on having a real connection because they're scared to feel, but I refuse to be used in any person's attempt on revenge.

When I looked up the significance of an ex in a dream, it suggested that I needed to avoid the area/ people in my life who remind me of the bad experiences I've been through. Or in the words of my great aunt: "stop touching the stove when you know it's hot!"
When I look back on my relationships, I definitely see a destructive pattern: I want to help and see people grow, but I put so much energy into seeing them succeed that I forget about my own goals. In the process of me being my man's biggest cheerleader, he starts believing his own hype and emotionally moves so far away from me that we're almost strangers. The end result usually ends with a bunch of unanswered questions and boxes of personal belongings by the door...
Finding the right one who treats me well in real life as well as my dreams feels like it's one of my life long goals, but that doesn't make me pathetic. It makes me aware. Of myself and what I know I need. What works for me, isn't going to work for most and as I push forward to become the person I want to be, I know that there will be people put in my way to derail me. All I can do is surround myself with people who want the best for me and keep listening to my nightmares as well as my dreams, because it's clear that both are necessary!