Red or Green Pill?

When I think about all the people I used to know (because for whatever reason, we've outgrown each other), the dreaded "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" rear their ugly heads, filling me with regrets. Although these feelings are temporary, I can't help but be taunted by them whenever I feel lonely.

The lonliness causes me to go to the beginning of the friendship/ love affair and scan for the exact moment things went wrong.
I think about myself and how I handled each situation: either giving too much too soon, or didn't stand firm enough...whatever the case might be, the fact that things are no longer what they used to be makes me think that I (somehow) could have changed the outcome.

I realize that some things didn't have to go as far as I pushed them. Instead of prioritizing personal desires, or reading warning signs, I dulled my instincts and indulged in selfishness. The end result is kind of tragic; because at one point in time I enjoyed the company of the flighty but entertaining home girl, or the warmth of that man who never really meant any good. I surrounded myself with their false sense of security and made it my truth. Knowing what I know now, I shoulda kept that home girl to a minimum: going out for drinks and shooting the shallow shit that intrigues so many. Or kept that guy at an arms length: hanging out for smoke sessions, and late-night movie watching. Instead of becoming room mates or giving up my body and love. Regardless of who you are or how insensitive a person you claim to be, once a certain line is crossed and trust is given, the game changes. The dynamics of your relationship changes and as much as we would like, we can't go back to the way things used to be. The unfortunate consequence is that everyone loses. Some simply can't process or accept that they no longer have the same effect on someone that they once had and therefore can't continue the friendship. It's true: seeing the one you love (and once loved you) love someone else or endanger themselves is hard. Makes you wish you hadn't have crossed that point of no return, so you could at least have them... in some way, then not at all.