"There's Rules, then there's The Game, then there's The Rules to the Game..."

I spent my 4th watching chick flicks (it was one of those days), trying to get some scripted clarity of my recent romantic situation. Even though 'The Women' was a horrible SNTC spin-off attempt, a point was made that made me wish the thought were my own. When you chose to love, in a friendly or romantic way, you run the risk of being betrayed. Though transgressions are usually unintentional, it can not be avoided that someone will end up hurt. If losing my Grandma isn't enough, I now have to add the insult that my lover will not be there for me physically to hold my hand when I need him the most. I've recently had an emotional epiphany; realizing just how important my relationships with the people who mean something to me are. I know I have some work to do in expressing that importance. When most people leave home, going out into the world to become the perfect version of who they want to be, they lose touch with the truest part of themselves. And that usually results from the separation from family and religion.  I'm guilty of being one of the many estranged from loved ones and childhood friends and it's my decision to bridge those gaps. I would rather have meaningful relationships that will enrich my life, and provide the type of support that I need, then to go through life making relationships of convenience with a bunch of people that I can no longer depend on. I began to put my pride aside and tell Mr. just how much he means/meant to me, not knowing that the added energy that I was giving him was also fueling his cock-eyed ego. Needless to say, some things were said that can't be taken back, and I'm left to lick my wounds in the corner. You see, Mr. is a player reformed. Used to the pimper-ish ways of his escorting home girls and affiliated home boys,  he's surprisingly shown drastic improvement after having a better example (me) to observe. But sometimes, he relapses and we have a day like today... where I don't know if his heart is coming or going.

I have noticed a personal pattern: the moment I tear down the wall that kept my feelings in tact, is the moment my counterpart almost becomes my enemy; capitalizing on my vulnerability. A close friend of mine made a good point as I sat in his kitchen drinking red wine: "you can't get around the bullshit, you just got to ask yourself who's bullshit is worth putting up with!" 

sigh.... as big of a cheerleader I am for love and relationships, some things just aren't worth your dignity.

The moment I begin being called out my name, and forced to end friendships, I have to question who I am going to be loyal to: a dysfunctional relationship, or myself. It's a fine line between committed and crazy... and I'm 'beefing it up' all on it. Usually when I get to this point; where I've had to sit down and make my pro/con list, I fight myself. Fight my stubborn streak that doesn't perpetuate stereotypes, and the part of me that just simply wants to love and be loved. No one expects modern love to last, but keeping self respect in exchange for a botched relationship on a resume is a no brain er.

Being older gives me the guts to tell my Mom how much I was sheltered from the ugly ways of folks, and how I should have been schooled on "the rules" and "the game". (Cause there is a difference) Even though I hate to admit it, there is a level of "romantic/social success" that can be achieved, when the game is played right. The phenom of "fronting" kicked chivalry's ass so bad, people don't want to speak its name... in fear of being considered "weak". This type of social intimidation has forced so many old school lovers to become players... blindly leading each other through the experience of love. I prefer the good old fashioned rules, which deal more with mutual respect and displaying genuine interest versus the fickleness of "the game". The game is all about assumptions, smoke and mirrors... a concept I knew nothing about until recent years. 

The game is quite a conundrum. Now if I have this right (taps pen on chin), two attractive people who obviously are interested in each other decide to get to know each other better, and use a combination of complicated signals to convey that interest. There can be no straight forward questions on intent, you can't tell the other how you feel, everything has to be decoded and translated, sex is exchanged before "i love you"... it's a bit much. Too much for this fragile heart of mine to handle, so as much as it may cause discomfort, the consequences from "the rules" are quite temporary. And the rewards are everlasting... once you find "bullshit" that's worth it.

Judge Me Tender

I was so inspired by Lady GaGa on 60 minutes last Sunday. I mean, it wasn't exactly what I expected, but it was a pleasant surprise.

Ironically a piece about judgement starts with one... 

When I think "rock and roll" my little brain pictures lots of leather, trashy clothes, cocaine, cigarrette smoke, casual sex, and lewd lyrics. If you catched the entire interview, GaGa didn't disappoint including all the above elements in the 3 months it took to shoot the segment. She showed advance maturity for her (reported) 25 years and remained genuine with her emotions; humble about her celebrity. I noticed how no question seemed to catch her off guard. As if she was expecting to be asked about her sex life, early drug use, and super provocative sense of style. She explained that there are plenty of perceptions about her as a person and an artist. And if you're looking for something to talk about, she's not going to make you dig. She's laying all out for us on a platter. Her music is all about self acceptance and empowering the missundersood. I really appreciated all 12 plus hours of filming for the crew to edit, sharing intimate footage, her first apartment, and her favorite bars. Offering to us her world and life with us.

I feel I can relate so well to this frame of thinking because that's exactly how I feel about my writing. I never wanted to be a "blogger"; sharing elaborate pieces of pure randomness. But throughout the years, I've been in plenty of interesting situations, seen enough drama, and I'm ready to be done with the burdens of judgement from others. It seems that most would be considered guilty of whatever was being said about them in the street. The facts of the matter are irrelevant, and the stigma that serves as entertainment for the masses, is a handicap for the person in question. Writing is my freedom with the blank page playing the playground for my words. I set the tone and beat the critics to what they think they know about me and my current situation(s).


So why air dirty laundry? Why put yourself out there like that? There's a saying that goes: "that which is most personal is most common". As I write my wrongs, I not only forgive myself for poor choices, I help liberate someone else to do the same. I'm not always right, but I don't always fuck up. This is my story. My declaration of personal independence. And I am proud to say: I no longer depend on your judgement.

Christmas Re-Cap

Now that I'm older, the allure of wrapped retail doesn't have the same effect that it once did. These days, it's ALL about the food! When the holiday's roll around, my novice chef of a mother goes all out. Glazing hams, making sauces from scratch, baked goods, the whole nine yards. When I walk through the door and smell Michele's "in demand turkey", I feel all warm and tingly inside. Even though my holiday's had a rocky start, the concept of family balanced out my tortured mind. The morning of Christmas Eve, my mom cooked for her two kids at the same time, for the fist time, in a l   o   n   g time. I've always envisioned myself whipping up smiley face pancakes and tasty fritatas for my future husband and unborn children. My mother has spent her life making this dream for most, a reality for me. Catering to the ones you love is the theme in our family and is the definition of all days special.

"Mom went sausage, egg, AND cheese!"

Pressure Busts Pipes

I had a talk with God in early September, telling Him that I was ready to find love again. You see good people, I had closed my heart shortly after my last mockery of a "relationship" [that I've rationalized doesn't count, lol], even when I told myself I would never let another person's messy-ness change me. I lost that battle and after 2 years of being single, I felt ready. In a matter of days, I was chatting it up with a very attractive guy that I followed on twitter who I affectionately call "Han". I mean, we instantly clicked sharing similar views on religion, family, kids, money, you name it, we shared the same brain. We both discovered that we had both lost parents to cancer in the same year and shared the infinite love of music. I just knew, that God had sent my soul mate through a direct message. I broke all my rules with him:

I'm No Fool

When dealing with the average "jump-off" their thought process shouldn't matter... as long as it benefits you. They can be a simple minded somebody wrapped in nice packaging that stay in their time restricted compartment until the tolerance for something deeper comes along. You can call them after 10 pm and always reach them. A restaurant or club is the ideal "date", and some sort of sexual encounter is given in exchange. The single life is made of stuff like that. Drunken nights that are often forgotten with plenty of shenanigans along the way. Its "cute" to be accompanied by that personality that is extreme: quick to get fucked up, quick to fight, quick to fuck.

Might Not Be So Bad

after a relationship fails, i can't help but to wonder what was the "real" reason why things fell apart. with so many options in any major city, it's my opinion that most people just lose patience with putting up with another's human-ness. it's not that the other person is really that bad, but the possibility for an upgrade is too convinient. if you're a girl like me, the fickleness of my partner's mind is not even a factor, and i automatically turn inward for answers. i wouldn't call "self-reflection" a form of low self esteem but when you're blind sided by a break up, you can't help but wonder if it's you...
during my first relationship, my first love took me through a rollercoaster of emotions.

The Phenomenon of the "Couple"

Modern day Love is a trip. I grew up seeing my parents/ grand parents/ great grandparents get married young and stay together; showing me the degree of commitment that it takes for Love to work. I navigated my way through life following the vintage concepts from my "love coaches", and looked for the same qualities in modern man. I've been fortunate enough to find Love early, but lost it due to a skewed perception of loyalty and just being plain 'ole fed up. Luckily, I've stumbled upon it again...

The Yo-Yo

shallow dreams

Omg. If I had to name the most dangerous things I've ever done in my life... this would definitely be in the top five. It ranks over being all up through a dope boi's operation and vacationing to Brazil with NO prior knowledge of the country...well, in my opinion. I say it's dangerous because it changes the way you think, and can effect areas of you that can take years to restore. I have to admit, I've done this two times. Both times were equally painful and were over all, not worth the time. What am I referring to?

The Other Dark Meat

I have a home boy. Who I love to debate with. Because he always has a response that will make you reach back into your own personal almanac [of random but relevant information] just to keep up with the conversation. Daily I can rely on him to say something that will prompt that subject for our lunch meeting. The topic usually being men vs. women, with each of us representing our personal sides. There's talk of our recent relationships, jokes about pop culture, discussions on world issues, networking our resources, and a couple of flare ups... where we have to change the subject before someone loses an eye!

Even though we mostly agree to disagree, we both consider ourselves a part of the small percentage of people who still view the dynamics between men and women in a traditional way. I was telling him about a conversation I had with a male interest of mine. We had finally gotten to the point where we felt comfortable for me to spend the night, and during our conversation [and my preparation], I had mentioned that I was wrapping my then, pressed hair. This black man proceeded to tell me that if I wasn't going to sleep in his bed with a scarf on my head. At first I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but after listening to the frankness in his voice... I knew it was no joke. I laughed a little and proceeded to ask if he had a satin pillow case. His answer was no. Again, this was no joke. WTF?

I've seen comments on twitter and heard things from black men over the years about the things they don't like about black women. I've heard complaints that range from our appearance and beauty routines, to our bodies. Which I find, a little hurtful, because I am a black woman, and a little ridiculous because it's so contradictory. I'm not bashing on the men who decide to date outside of their race because they honestly have a connection, I'm talking to the men who think that any other race is better to date          than a black woman. I've read articles in magazines about black men going in groups to places like Rio de Janeiro and the Dominican Republic, to pay for sex from a voluptuous woman who makes these transactions everyday.
When I encounter one of these guys or find myself being told "why I can't date a black girl [me]", I can't help but to ask why. What is it about a black woman that makes it so difficult to love everything about us? The general consensus is mostly:

•  our 'attitude', and the size of it [which I really think refers to our temper or tolerance]
• our inability to "shut the fuck up" [but I don't think anyone would after being asked like that]
• the lack of domestic skills [which most of us hide because the concept of dating is a joke]
• presentation [wearing boy shorts, heels, full make up, and fresh hair just cause takes time away from completing other things and takes a lot of money! and most of y'all opinion of 'fine' is warped]

They go on to tell me how they need a Latin or Asian woman because they're the "type that know how to treat a man'. Or give me the cliche comment about them producing "pretty babies". True, it's more common in their culture for the woman to play a more submissive role in their relationship. And they are taught things like cooking and how to keep a house early. But most of these women I'm describing live in the smaller cities that surround the major ones. Women who grew up in multi member families in small facilities with the dream of being the one who moves out of their neighborhood to live well, and not because they found love. Please believe, the modern Latin, White, Asian, and Indian woman has the ability of producing just as much 'tude as we.

I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who didn't have the best examples in the world to learn from. And because of that, them and their children form the part of our race we shake our heads at. But that's more of an environmental thing and doesn't nearly represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.
I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who look the part but equate material to love. They offer stank attitudes and expectations of a pampered life and want the adoration and the respect in exchange. Again, that's more of an environmental thing, and doesn't represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.

I don't think there are set characteristics that belong to a specific race of women anymore. The world has changed, and the two major things that kept the the mars and venus score even, [family and religion] are far from our list of priorities. Trying to say that you can't date a black woman because of... let's call them what they are STEREOTYPES is just silly guys! Especially when there are so many other races that are rolling their necks and pointing their fingers. Just in other ways:

i hope the same trend isn't the same for the ladies....yikes!