Pressure Busts Pipes

I had a talk with God in early September, telling Him that I was ready to find love again. You see good people, I had closed my heart shortly after my last mockery of a "relationship" [that I've rationalized doesn't count, lol], even when I told myself I would never let another person's messy-ness change me. I lost that battle and after 2 years of being single, I felt ready. In a matter of days, I was chatting it up with a very attractive guy that I followed on twitter who I affectionately call "Han". I mean, we instantly clicked sharing similar views on religion, family, kids, money, you name it, we shared the same brain. We both discovered that we had both lost parents to cancer in the same year and shared the infinite love of music. I just knew, that God had sent my soul mate through a direct message. I broke all my rules with him:
setting up my own skype account and taking a chance with someone who was younger than me. He was the first person I spoke to when I opened my eyes and the last one before I closed them. I shut down every guy's advances, but the funny thing was... it wasn't hard to do. I had what I wanted and was content with that.
The hook to our love song was that while I'm currently in Ohio, he's living in Los Angeles. So many miles apart that I didn't have the heart to actually find out the actual number. But we loved each other, so we put into motion plans for us to be together. I was to relocate to Los Angeles and we would begin our lives together.

I've had some pretty interesting conversations on the perception of what love is. Some would say it was a choice, to others a commitment, but I enjoy my home girl Shy's philosophy the best: it's the choice to put up with someone's crap. You're going to run into some regardless of who you deal with. Some strings are just too hard to leave behind, and they end up being dragged, or still connected to issues. But the question is: who's don't you mind dealing with?
Don't get me wrong, the distance thing bother[s] me, but I've learned the things that work for me in order for me to be alright. I don't expect everything to go my way, so I believe there are certain techniques that can be used in order to keep personal sanity. I don't feed into arguments, I don't stress about things that are out of my control. It's just not my thing, it doesn't work for me, so I focus on creative projects and family whenever I'm missing Han or am overwhelmed with not spending physical time together. I'm human, and contrary to what Han believed, I wanted him more than I let on. I haven't had sex in half a year, so of course, horniness is an issue, but do I:

•  focus on that and drive myself nuts, or
•  can I hold out what I feel is worth it

 I choose the latter.

 Too bad he didn't...

Some people just can't see beyond themselves, and some find it convenient to blame others for fucked up circumstances that are out of anyone's control. I've been blamed for technical debacle's, and my heavy involvement with my family whenever he felt like some "skype sex". I charged it to his sexual frustration; it could be hard on anyone to go without, when they're used to the opposite. Today was one of those days. In between our faulty internet connections and me having to share the house with visiting family, we couldn't get our usual "session" in. The following forced me to charge his behavior on his immaturity.

An instant funk was created the moment it was discovered by him that my uncle was at the door, and that I couldn't be his live porn doll. Once again, I was blamed for not being able to help him release himself. Instead of arguing and explaining myself, seeing that my uncle and mother were a matter of feet away from me, I simply said that I wasn't going to do this, right now. We were disconnected and he proceeded to tell me that he was "good on me"; accusing me of not wanting to please him. The most selfish thing that you could ever say to a devoted Pisces woman like myself. At that moment, I realized what this "relationship" was:

me constantly fulfilling any silly request, even if it called me to act out of my character, and a tantrum being thrown the second that the request wasn't done.

I sat alone in my room for a couple of hours, letting the whole situation marinate. I really had to analyze the situation that had such emotional control over me. After letting things cool down, I reached out sending a text to my Han asking if this is what he really wanted. To be done with me, and this situation. After about a half an hour of waiting, I received a text saying:

"I'm not happy with you right now. Just do what you wanna do!" 

The hot head in me wanted to jump in the shower, get fly, and retaliate. The grown ass woman in me said to just accept it, and do the best that I can to move on. Even though Han's answer was vague and open ended, I translated it so it made sense for me. Needless to say, I don't expect a call tonight or in the morning...

I thought we could conquer anything and I saw him as an answer to the prayer I had put up. I had stepped outside the safety of my box on someone I had a real connection with and got singed. I hope that Han and I can remain friends, because I would hate to think that after everything we know about each other and things we've shared with each other that "that's it". I have a feeling [after he reads this blog] he will reach out. But my heart is closed to him now. He gave up on our love and left me to fight for it alone. Back to the old drawing board, I guess.