The Yo-Yo

shallow dreams

Omg. If I had to name the most dangerous things I've ever done in my life... this would definitely be in the top five. It ranks over being all up through a dope boi's operation and vacationing to Brazil with NO prior knowledge of the country...well, in my opinion. I say it's dangerous because it changes the way you think, and can effect areas of you that can take years to restore. I have to admit, I've done this two times. Both times were equally painful and were over all, not worth the time. What am I referring to?
Secret relationships, or as I like to call them "understandings". When I was 22, I allowed myself to be persuaded that it would be a good idea to keep a relationship "between us". He was involved in music, as was I at the time, and we felt that it would be best to keep our involvement a secret. It was nothing to spend all day riding around each others neighborhoods, getting take out and going back to each others apartment to watch movies and be wrapped in each other. Or go to his parents house for dinner and meet each others family friends. I could really see how this guy did like me, and I liked him too...
In public it was a different story. We weren't allowed to be affectionate or talk to each other in that "special tone" so that we wouldn't have a whole legion of haters acting out against our relationship. It killed me to see the girls in his face that happened to be at the studio. And the over all bravado that he displayed began to ruin what I thought was so special... in private. Internally it was a love/hate relationship. I was involved with someone, but couldn't have all of them. Our love had an electric fence running right through it. There were boundaries.
Once you like someone, it's hard to camouflage it in front of the people who know you. Half of me was trying to maintain a relationship and the other half was trying its best to deny the very same thing to anyone that asked. Soon enough, I got tired of having to lie and  of not having the kind of relationship I wanted. So I got out, and ended up in a relationship where we did nothing but celebrate each other and the feelings we shared. All over town, and it was great.

Living in a city like Atlanta gives you privilege to the different games that people like to play before they hit the mainstream. If a man were to approach me now with detailed parameters on how we would be together, I would simply take it as game. Yeah, it's possible that it would make things easier for him at work, or that he is a discreet person, or that he likes the hole in the wall spots with bad lighting. Or, he could be full of shit and wants the benefits of a girlfriend, without having to commit. No matter how you try to explain, "understandings" hardly ever make sense to outsiders. And the parties involved are constantly the center of drama and chaos to each other and those around them.

It wasn't until years later, in between another relationship, that I entered, an "understanding". I had no intention on being tied down or have anything expected of me. I wanted to be beautiful, have fun, eat well, be seen. I found the perfect candidate for what I wanted to do. I picked an older gentleman, who had been spoiling me at the club I worked at for months. And since I was a free agent (so to speak), I began to take him up on his offers for dinners, trips, and nights of bar hopping and drinking... with a cash bonus at the end. He was from a small town but was born into a successful construction company. Let's just say, his personality lacked, but his bank account more than made up for it. The only people who knew about him were my closest girl friends, who he occasionally would treat out with us. Because let's face it, I was embarrassed. I didn't want to be seen consistently with this man, or give anyone a reason to think we were a couple. So, I kept conversations to text message mostly, and only contacted him when I was low on money or wanted a night off. And during his time away, he did his thing and didn't interfere with what I wanted to do. I would play like I was upset if he didn't answer a text message. Knowing it wasn't a big deal, I would pretend it was, causing him to go overboard with 'making it up to me'. It was the best of both worlds, until one day his CD player broke in the H2...

"I don't never feel like we vibin'

cause every time we alone there's an awkward silence..."   -TYGA  

His smell annoyed me. His laugh stopped mine. He couldn't keep a beat. He only liked chicken. He didn't try new things. His country twang made me tune him out. I knew it wouldn't work. A smart- ass comment sparked the argument that was waiting to happen, we both told each other where we could go, and we haven't spoken since. We both understood what we both were there for: my good time and day off with pay, and for him, a pretty, charismatic woman who was super fun [when drunk]. We had built something on a foundation we knew would give way, because it was based on nothing real. We were obligated, to fill a void that can only be filled by a real connection.

People enter these types of situations for many different reasons and stay in them for others. My job isn't to judge the authenticity of any one's relationship, and honestly "understandings" can be a beautiful thing as long as both people are on the same page. Regardless of who's involved, heartstrings will be pulled, tangled, and forced to be clipped to save time. Do yourself a favor before you decide to play this game: read the fine print... before signing the line.