Enough said.

I was a little low on motivation a couple of weeks ago, so after getting a few suggestions from twitter friends, I chose a topic that's been on my mind for a while. Lately, I've been wondering why things weren't going the way that I hoped. In between ending my position at the bar I was working at, a not-so-lucrative music video, and a botched bachelor party, I began to wonder why a "good person" like myself just couldn't seem to catch a break.

 To me, it's always easiest to look at someone else and see the solution to their problem. If explained in simple enough terms, advice could be given. But when it comes to me, every thing's so complicated! [Lol] Since I spend the majority of my time at work, and it's the place that inspired this post, I'll use it as an example.

From dancer to waitress to bartender to manager to promoter to star to patron... everyone wants to shine. You know, be respected by their peers either silently or publicly. Even though they all have their respective "lanes" you will encounter a person who wants to merge into another, knowing that everything isn't meant for everyone. Promoters set up side deals to get more at the door, dancers complain or "beg" for good stage sets and other perks, and managers abuse their position. I'm guessing that some sort of gain is the goal, but the end result is usually a bunch of frustrated people who break even. Either on paper, or on the inside. Greed and power driving them, and a bad disposition and the same problems that they started with seem to be their reward...

My house mom (Midori) was right on time when she suggested a post on blessings, and how we ultimately, cut our own everyday. Even though I work in a sex driven industry, I can find some of the most spiritual people in a strip club. It isn't unusual to see a dancer with her head bowed in prayer for a good night and attitude or a string of rosary beads laid between bare breasts. We may live a lifestyle of a 'heathen', but most of us know where our breath and able bodies come from. 

Over the years the "good" friends and men in my life are gone. Removed from my life through [mostly] exposed deception, they simply disappear, or become people so far gone that I have to ignore them to save my sanity. For whatever reason, they are no longer here, and now I'm forced to face the woman in the mirror and ask myself:

 "self, how did we get here?" 

It will take a second to explain my conclusion...

Time away from the nest has separated the church from my state of mind. In my opinion, you can have church anywhere and simply having "religion" isn't enough. But before I knew it, I was having "church" less and less and making people my religion; spreading myself thin among my many acquaintances and romantic relationships. At that time, my friendships fed me. There was always someone who needed my advice, or for me to just be there to take pictures and to put on 'the show'.  My input had weight in my circle and for once, I had established a role of my own. I slowly began to lean on the source that satisfied my ego and turned away from the source that would always, satisfy my soul. I don't think I realized just how important that type of balance was... until the researching of this post.

The moment I began to depend on other people for the things I needed, I lost. Cut myself out of what was meant for me and chipped away some of my faith. It had been so long since I had a conversation with God, I was afraid I didn't know how,  so I read between the lines of the street saying:

"a closed mouth don't get fed!"

and realized that most of us are looking for others to "feed" us. When they're human, just like us and will do whatever they feel they have to to survive. Even if it means disappointing you. Since I came to this reasoning, I began to let   go.... and let God. Not worried about slick comments or which ex-home girl my ex-boyfriend is fucking and... Let's just say, ya girl's WAY less stressed and that much close to my next chapter in life. So let's skip the step of expecting God-like qualities from everyday man. My best advice is to get old school and say your prayers at night. Or get crazy and continue to talk to yourself, someone will hear and give you the comfort that you need. 

When the praises go up..... blessings come down. amen.