Social Networks are the Devil!

This past month has been crazy you guys! The business side of things seem to be consistent for the most part but my emotional house is all jacked up! My shy nature keeps my circle small and my drama to a minimum but I guess it was just in my stars to end smack dab in some mess... eventually. I have been noticing platforms like twitter, myspace, and facebook becoming the topic of conversation in talk shows; being blamed for the reason friendships and relationships end for a couple of years now. I personally gave up my myspace page after a local 'mean girl' used me to became initiated into the legion of internet gangsters years ago. The whole experience turned a place where I found entertainment and met new people into a pain in the ass and something I avoided all together. After that, I joined facebook to stay connected with my huge family and past classmates from my previous high school. Even though that page has been established since 2007, I hardly use it, and am thinking about seriously putting it on total lock down after a person I didn't know tried to ask me out. Twitter started out of pure boredom. I was newly single, with a new phone, at a new job that didn't require me to do a whole lot (considering it's slow day shift). I began finding people who I knew's pages and through them met a group of genuine people. I started opening up a little bit more and instead of it being something that I used to make fun of, I was encouraging non-tweeters to sign up. Things were going smooth for the first 2 years, then last month happened...

I was being foolish, oblivious to every game there are rules, and rule number 1 is: never put any personal information about your relationship on your time line! Well, technically I spoke generally, but non the less, I had a lonely follower who bit on my bait of depression. Me and this guy began exchanging friendly messages back and forth, with him being the initiator. He would say things that were encouraging, involving God and what not, and ask me what happened between and Mr. Even though he did his best trying to pump me for information, I'm a loyal person. And I'm no fool. All contact stopped before the apple dropped to bring the New Year in. Me and Mr. were back "on" and went on living our lives. Roughly in about April, I began to see him mention me on his timeline... "hey, it's been decades... what you been up to?" would randomly appear and I would continue to ignore his existence. One day, my Mr. decided to shout me out on twitter. Something that I always was on the fence about because to me, love on a social network is like blood in the ocean: the sharks and any other ruthless creature will definitely come from nowhere to feast. But pride, being the two sided coin it is, took over and I lovingly obliged. Little did I know that this dude on the sidelines would see this and get so irrationally angry at the whole situation.

 Seeing how at least 4 months had passed since last we talked...

But home boy caught feelings and began reaching out to Mr, and a slew of other people who followed me and I spoke to on a regular basis. His posts accused me of being promiscuous and scheming. A "trifling" female who needed to be "exposed". The way he went out of his way to make people believe that I hooked up with not only him, but "others" who followed me made me sick. I truly felt violated in the way you would if you were in school getting bullied by an upper class men. Even though we are peers, and I shouldn't have felt any specific way about  his psychotic behavior, I did. I understood that this person was trying to hurt me, and the one who is closest to me. I tried to keep my mind off of it, but every time I attempted to go on like nothing was happening, I couldn't help but check and see what new lies were being posted about me. A nobody who would never do anything like this to anyone else. Eventually, it made me not want to tweet at all, and I was frustrated at the fact that the only thing I (and a few good friends) could do was send emails to twitter, reporting him as spam. To wrap up this long story, the perp's account was deleted and I can breath a little easier about tweeting. But I have definitely learned my lesson O_o

What is it about facebook-ing, myspace-ing, and twitter-ing that makes people forget they have minds? Besides the fact that they're a faceless person on the opposite side of the screen who can be anything that they want to be that is... lol.

It is a guarantee that before I go to sleep at night, I will see or hear about somebody acting a damn fool  on the Internet. Whether it be through shit talking over a bruised ego, setting up dates on walls instead of in boxes, or sharing explicit photos and videos with others. I will say this now: trust no one! When it comes to your personal image... it's everything. These days it seems everything is fair in love and scandal and as petty as it may seem, even a 'special video' made for a mate can be used against you and damage a reputation. And once it's out there, it's out there. It's hard to deny a questionable photo after it has a personal account attached to it, so if recent news of 'Weiner-gate' has taught us anything, you might want to think twice before trying to impress a perfect stranger.

 There are a reported 80% of marriages that have ended up in divorce with cyber cheating being the basis of the split. And since I brought up Wiener, I pose this question:

What should newly pregnant Huma do?

The aid to Hillary Clinton has been holding up pretty well in my opinion, despite all the press. I guess what I mean is, she's maintaining herself; continuing to work instead of breaking down. She has chose the high road. Of course some people say she should leave him. But I think that sentiment is more attributed to his looks, and not so much his actions. It's a fact in America, that the better looking you are, the lesser the crime (lol). We're shallow and I think that was the exact flaw that got him in trouble in the first place. Power does something to a person. Especially a person who isn't used to getting attention about their looks. Perhaps he was really feeling himself, knowing that his wife is 'like this' with Hillary Clinton, he's a (former) U.S. Rep, and he's about to have his first child. On top of that, he had chicks hitting him up on twitter... 

I don't know! lol, I would just hate to see any one's marriage end...for any reason. Regardless, Huma is sticking next to her husband and even though she was not seen next to him during the scandal or his stepping down speech, they have been seen in grocery stores and continue to work on their marriage.

I woke up one day and noticed that people had stopped talking. Well not exactly, written expression had taken over and every one's phone or computer had them (dis)connected to everyone else in the world. The need for personal fulfillment will not be found one day while tweeting, or anyplace online. Let's use good judgement, and remember to change your passwords often! 

Judge Me Tender

I was so inspired by Lady GaGa on 60 minutes last Sunday. I mean, it wasn't exactly what I expected, but it was a pleasant surprise.

Ironically a piece about judgement starts with one... 

When I think "rock and roll" my little brain pictures lots of leather, trashy clothes, cocaine, cigarrette smoke, casual sex, and lewd lyrics. If you catched the entire interview, GaGa didn't disappoint including all the above elements in the 3 months it took to shoot the segment. She showed advance maturity for her (reported) 25 years and remained genuine with her emotions; humble about her celebrity. I noticed how no question seemed to catch her off guard. As if she was expecting to be asked about her sex life, early drug use, and super provocative sense of style. She explained that there are plenty of perceptions about her as a person and an artist. And if you're looking for something to talk about, she's not going to make you dig. She's laying all out for us on a platter. Her music is all about self acceptance and empowering the missundersood. I really appreciated all 12 plus hours of filming for the crew to edit, sharing intimate footage, her first apartment, and her favorite bars. Offering to us her world and life with us.

I feel I can relate so well to this frame of thinking because that's exactly how I feel about my writing. I never wanted to be a "blogger"; sharing elaborate pieces of pure randomness. But throughout the years, I've been in plenty of interesting situations, seen enough drama, and I'm ready to be done with the burdens of judgement from others. It seems that most would be considered guilty of whatever was being said about them in the street. The facts of the matter are irrelevant, and the stigma that serves as entertainment for the masses, is a handicap for the person in question. Writing is my freedom with the blank page playing the playground for my words. I set the tone and beat the critics to what they think they know about me and my current situation(s).


So why air dirty laundry? Why put yourself out there like that? There's a saying that goes: "that which is most personal is most common". As I write my wrongs, I not only forgive myself for poor choices, I help liberate someone else to do the same. I'm not always right, but I don't always fuck up. This is my story. My declaration of personal independence. And I am proud to say: I no longer depend on your judgement.

Pressure Busts Pipes

I had a talk with God in early September, telling Him that I was ready to find love again. You see good people, I had closed my heart shortly after my last mockery of a "relationship" [that I've rationalized doesn't count, lol], even when I told myself I would never let another person's messy-ness change me. I lost that battle and after 2 years of being single, I felt ready. In a matter of days, I was chatting it up with a very attractive guy that I followed on twitter who I affectionately call "Han". I mean, we instantly clicked sharing similar views on religion, family, kids, money, you name it, we shared the same brain. We both discovered that we had both lost parents to cancer in the same year and shared the infinite love of music. I just knew, that God had sent my soul mate through a direct message. I broke all my rules with him:

I'm No Fool

When dealing with the average "jump-off" their thought process shouldn't matter... as long as it benefits you. They can be a simple minded somebody wrapped in nice packaging that stay in their time restricted compartment until the tolerance for something deeper comes along. You can call them after 10 pm and always reach them. A restaurant or club is the ideal "date", and some sort of sexual encounter is given in exchange. The single life is made of stuff like that. Drunken nights that are often forgotten with plenty of shenanigans along the way. Its "cute" to be accompanied by that personality that is extreme: quick to get fucked up, quick to fight, quick to fuck.

Might Not Be So Bad

after a relationship fails, i can't help but to wonder what was the "real" reason why things fell apart. with so many options in any major city, it's my opinion that most people just lose patience with putting up with another's human-ness. it's not that the other person is really that bad, but the possibility for an upgrade is too convinient. if you're a girl like me, the fickleness of my partner's mind is not even a factor, and i automatically turn inward for answers. i wouldn't call "self-reflection" a form of low self esteem but when you're blind sided by a break up, you can't help but wonder if it's you...
during my first relationship, my first love took me through a rollercoaster of emotions.

Red or Green Pill?

When I think about all the people I used to know (because for whatever reason, we've outgrown each other), the dreaded "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" rear their ugly heads, filling me with regrets. Although these feelings are temporary, I can't help but be taunted by them whenever I feel lonely.

The lonliness causes me to go to the beginning of the friendship/ love affair and scan for the exact moment things went wrong.

The Yo-Yo

shallow dreams

Omg. If I had to name the most dangerous things I've ever done in my life... this would definitely be in the top five. It ranks over being all up through a dope boi's operation and vacationing to Brazil with NO prior knowledge of the country...well, in my opinion. I say it's dangerous because it changes the way you think, and can effect areas of you that can take years to restore. I have to admit, I've done this two times. Both times were equally painful and were over all, not worth the time. What am I referring to?

Deuces

I was recently employed as a bartender and server at an up and coming restaurant just outside the western perimeter of Atlanta for the past six months. I won't go into detail of the name or actual location, as the softy in me doesn't want to be the reason why anyone else is going through hard times. So yes, for the time being I chose to protect those who have wronged me.
I didn't know that during the first week of me working there,

Frenemies

We've all had one. Someone that we considered a "friend" that gives mediocre advice and is never really there when you need them. They laugh at your jokes and get you comfortable enough to share your problems; play both sides of the fence with your enemies, most of the time resulting in betrayal and a 'falling out'. The basis of the friendship usually revolves around a social scene. An environment where "who likes you" can contribute greatly in advancement. These people who fall under this category

Man of My Dreams

I was doing some shopping for some random items at a random crowded store, when I remembered the real reason I came out the house to join the retail madness: to see Him. Someone who doesn't belong to me [since I've become content with being single] but brings me great joy. I make my way through the bulk of bargains and I find Him. Busy, and inattentive. But with what? I can't really tell. I can't figure out if he's busy with work, or working on getting busy, either way, I feel totally neglected and stupid that I uprooted myself for someone who instantly made me feel less than what I am. A brief encounter ends up with a smart remark from his side, implying some irrational-ness from my part and now, I find myself in a tizzy. I remember coherently rambling reminders of all his indiscretions that might be the reasons why we're not together. I went on so long, my throat tightened, my voice raised, and my eyes filled with tears. His lack of responsibility to stand behind his own actions had thrown me into a panic attack [a condition I didn't develop until I started encountering dysfunctional relationships] and now I was in the middle of the store, arguing with a man who couldn't care less as he "excused himself" to complete random tasks. All I could do was stop while I was ahead to further avoid to appear as the 'crazy one', pull my hat down to cover my eyes, and walk out....

I woke up to a tear soaked pillow.

I believe there are hidden meanings in dreams. A part of your subconscious that unlocks suppressed desires and true wantings. I believe them to also give insight on things that are currently going on in your life, or will soon happen. Last night I was enjoying a double feature with a good friend at my favorite drive-in theater, when I got a text from an old flame. Someone who has proved, time after time, to be toxic to my personal growth. Whenever he's around, I transform into an irrational, emotional wreck still racked by our past. And the most dysfunctional part is that we never want to fully admit or even talk about what went wrong. But we're still greatly effected by it. Needless to say, I gave in to my addiction and agreed to 'get up and get out' of the house after the movies ended. After getting home and navigating my way through random links online, I fell asleep...and had that dream. I woke up around 8 this morning to a missed text at 5 a.m:

"you still up?"

At that moment, it clicked what role he wanted me to play in his life: the pretty face that's expected to eat any scrap of time that he's willing to throw her, even though he's involved with another woman. He wants me to be content with being an option; until he figures his next move. I've never been the kind of girl who makes plans with a man who's not my man after 9p.m. because I know the message it gives. I guess that over time he was expecting me to give up on finding love, but unlike him, I haven't let what others have done make me afraid to find what I want in my life. I can't remember the last time Him and I had a real conversation, and it'll probably be a while before we have another. So what's the point? He's told me about some of the mishaps in his life since I left it and his poor judgement has left him jaded and heartless. I feel sorry for Him and others who feel like everyone is out to get them, or only form friendships with certain people because they have something they want. It's unfortunate that they miss out on having a real connection because they're scared to feel, but I refuse to be used in any person's attempt on revenge.

When I looked up the significance of an ex in a dream, it suggested that I needed to avoid the area/ people in my life who remind me of the bad experiences I've been through. Or in the words of my great aunt: "stop touching the stove when you know it's hot!"
When I look back on my relationships, I definitely see a destructive pattern: I want to help and see people grow, but I put so much energy into seeing them succeed that I forget about my own goals. In the process of me being my man's biggest cheerleader, he starts believing his own hype and emotionally moves so far away from me that we're almost strangers. The end result usually ends with a bunch of unanswered questions and boxes of personal belongings by the door...
Finding the right one who treats me well in real life as well as my dreams feels like it's one of my life long goals, but that doesn't make me pathetic. It makes me aware. Of myself and what I know I need. What works for me, isn't going to work for most and as I push forward to become the person I want to be, I know that there will be people put in my way to derail me. All I can do is surround myself with people who want the best for me and keep listening to my nightmares as well as my dreams, because it's clear that both are necessary!

HUMBLE PIE

The pace of life is slow. And most nights I spend at work or at home. There's no one 'special' in my life, and my collection of issues has formed an impressive layer of dust and is now scraping the ceiling. I can't remember the last time I boarded a plan for the adventure of exploring another city, or the last time the girls and I went out for a night on the town.

I NEED A CHANGE!

I've switched jobs quite a few times in the past year and a half, circle of friends, and frame of mind. Even though the inverse circumstances have me feeling a bit... dull, I've realized that even though life's adjustments can be uncomfortable, they're the only part in life that stays the same.
I admit that it takes a certain mentality to live in the fast lane. Entering young with no mentor or confidant, I went through phases, trying to find my way through the blur of craziness around me. Spending years in the popular clubs in Atlanta has taught me to be a chameleon. After a while of playing myself, I added the hair, lashes, blended eye shadow. I had to physically change, just to survive the superficial and judgmental business. Thinking back on that period in my life, I was a part of the intimate cycle that causes insecurities, judgment, and irrational dislike. Constantly being put under a micro scope, and compared to my co-worker, forced me to look at not only myself with more scrutiny, but at everyone else as well. We were told by managers, male colleagues, and customers why we were, or were not, good enough. Needless to say, I decided to change that part of my life; and found judgement in the strangest places.

Judgement. The element that causes change, and is created because of it. It's apparent that regardless of what I do, I will be judged by someone... in a negative way.

I decide to take a break from dancing =

the public's translation is I've somehow been rejected by the industry, or decided I'm too good for it.

I'm friendly and laugh a lot over dumb stuff =

that makes me promiscuous.

I've been gaining/losing the same 8 lbs. because of stress =

I'm on something

I'm a woman in my mid 20's with no children =

to men, something is wrong with ME.

I could go on, but my point has been made. It's ALWAYS gonna be something, for someone who doesn't want to see me for who I am, instead of what I'm not. The restaurant where I currently bar tend is no different. The other members on the schedule whisper and snicker about my previous profession; even though my description requires the same, if not more responsibility.

You can't stop someone from having an opinion and offering it to you. And these days everyone is smarter and has more insight than the next. The up and downs of my life might translate as unstable to some, but I want to know, what would you do if you were the head of your arena? How would you challenge yourself to do better, and where would you go from the top? Sociologists, psychologists, even screen writers offer the explanation that there's a natural order of things. There's a natural rise, a climax, and a fall, to every one's life. Some call it Karma, gravity, cows coming home, chickens coming to roost... In a nutshell: what comes up, must come down. And what's down, has no choice but to come back up. 

Regrets? Sure. But my life isn't over, and all the great apartments I inhabited, friendships that are here and gone, and loves lost will only prepare me for my next glorious chapter. 

For those of you sitting high on your throne, throwing down judgement instead of quarters...Lord help  you on the way down!

one is the loneliest number.