Man of My Dreams

I was doing some shopping for some random items at a random crowded store, when I remembered the real reason I came out the house to join the retail madness: to see Him. Someone who doesn't belong to me [since I've become content with being single] but brings me great joy. I make my way through the bulk of bargains and I find Him. Busy, and inattentive. But with what? I can't really tell. I can't figure out if he's busy with work, or working on getting busy, either way, I feel totally neglected and stupid that I uprooted myself for someone who instantly made me feel less than what I am. A brief encounter ends up with a smart remark from his side, implying some irrational-ness from my part and now, I find myself in a tizzy. I remember coherently rambling reminders of all his indiscretions that might be the reasons why we're not together. I went on so long, my throat tightened, my voice raised, and my eyes filled with tears. His lack of responsibility to stand behind his own actions had thrown me into a panic attack [a condition I didn't develop until I started encountering dysfunctional relationships] and now I was in the middle of the store, arguing with a man who couldn't care less as he "excused himself" to complete random tasks. All I could do was stop while I was ahead to further avoid to appear as the 'crazy one', pull my hat down to cover my eyes, and walk out....

I woke up to a tear soaked pillow.

I believe there are hidden meanings in dreams. A part of your subconscious that unlocks suppressed desires and true wantings. I believe them to also give insight on things that are currently going on in your life, or will soon happen. Last night I was enjoying a double feature with a good friend at my favorite drive-in theater, when I got a text from an old flame. Someone who has proved, time after time, to be toxic to my personal growth. Whenever he's around, I transform into an irrational, emotional wreck still racked by our past. And the most dysfunctional part is that we never want to fully admit or even talk about what went wrong. But we're still greatly effected by it. Needless to say, I gave in to my addiction and agreed to 'get up and get out' of the house after the movies ended. After getting home and navigating my way through random links online, I fell asleep...and had that dream. I woke up around 8 this morning to a missed text at 5 a.m:

"you still up?"

At that moment, it clicked what role he wanted me to play in his life: the pretty face that's expected to eat any scrap of time that he's willing to throw her, even though he's involved with another woman. He wants me to be content with being an option; until he figures his next move. I've never been the kind of girl who makes plans with a man who's not my man after 9p.m. because I know the message it gives. I guess that over time he was expecting me to give up on finding love, but unlike him, I haven't let what others have done make me afraid to find what I want in my life. I can't remember the last time Him and I had a real conversation, and it'll probably be a while before we have another. So what's the point? He's told me about some of the mishaps in his life since I left it and his poor judgement has left him jaded and heartless. I feel sorry for Him and others who feel like everyone is out to get them, or only form friendships with certain people because they have something they want. It's unfortunate that they miss out on having a real connection because they're scared to feel, but I refuse to be used in any person's attempt on revenge.

When I looked up the significance of an ex in a dream, it suggested that I needed to avoid the area/ people in my life who remind me of the bad experiences I've been through. Or in the words of my great aunt: "stop touching the stove when you know it's hot!"
When I look back on my relationships, I definitely see a destructive pattern: I want to help and see people grow, but I put so much energy into seeing them succeed that I forget about my own goals. In the process of me being my man's biggest cheerleader, he starts believing his own hype and emotionally moves so far away from me that we're almost strangers. The end result usually ends with a bunch of unanswered questions and boxes of personal belongings by the door...
Finding the right one who treats me well in real life as well as my dreams feels like it's one of my life long goals, but that doesn't make me pathetic. It makes me aware. Of myself and what I know I need. What works for me, isn't going to work for most and as I push forward to become the person I want to be, I know that there will be people put in my way to derail me. All I can do is surround myself with people who want the best for me and keep listening to my nightmares as well as my dreams, because it's clear that both are necessary!