$trenth In Numbers

written March 18, 2010
one thing i notice now that i'm older with dating, is the obvious power struggle that goes on between men and women. deciding who's in control early in the relationship really seems to be important . as a vintage girl living in a modern world, i'll let you have it! i have no problem with letting my partner "think" he has the upper hand. it's in a man's nature to need to know that he's in charge... honestly, when you use a little patience, let some shit slide, and let your man be a man, things are the better for everyone!




i was brought up in the church. youth ministry, usher, choir, bible study, outreach program, you name a day of the week, and you could find me at church. my mom ran the bookstore and my dad was in charge of the entire sound system and recording the sermons. being that my family was so involved, i had a true back stage, all access pass to every part of the church. i got to listen to the wisdom of many women, and what i admired so much about them, was the silent influence that they had over their household. in the public eye, they played the supporting cast that created a united front to all outsiders. but in her home and circle of friends, she's the muscle behind the whole operation and the reason why things are done with such care. yep, church was the place where i accepted the concept of what "lane" i should be in as a woman.



no one's perfect. i couldn't imagine what life would be like if me and all my habits were constantly put under review. with knowing this, how could i expect so much, from one person? i was having a debate [via text] with one of my side dishes about respect.



"u gotta stop actin like a nigga. u try to be waaaaaay too hard. it's okay to relax sometimes." was the message that he sent that got my brain going in another tangent: what behavoir is considered to be ladylike?



i've met some great men in my life. the kind that open doors, caress your hand while eating in popular restaurants, tell you how they feel, even the kind that will play the fool because they dig me that much. they've taught me things that would better me as a person and have showed genuine love... but i've mostly met assholes; that put more emphasis on getting physical than getting to know my name, lie to 'spare feelings', or use violence to control. after "crapping out" one too many times, i decided to take a break from finding someone to fufill me and focused on establishing myself. self sufficiency seemed to be respected far more than how well i respected others or myself. after spending so much time and energy taking care of myself, it's hard for me to allow someone, who doesn't know my struggle, to dictate how they feel i should be treated. many friends and relatives i know that raise children on their own, or have other situations that have made them be independent have a problem with submission. men, as well as women. i think my guy friend just wasn't comfortable with my inability to back down to bullshit and therefore found it, "un lady like". after thinking about it, i don't think it was the fact that i stood up for myself that bothered him as much as it was a blow to his ego that he couldn't get away with treating me how he gets to treat others. accusing me of being less than i am reverses the whole control thing... and now he's on top!



no matter which modern relationship i look at, the dynamics of their union don't seem to go very far. after the physical attraction comes the kids, which leads to property and a lucrative business to support a lifestyle that lacks love. the lack of personal connection makes the elaborate trips and shopping sprees a must. that type of treatment becomes an obligation, instead of a treat they knew their loved one would enjoy. being involved in such a charade makes it that much easier to call it quits after a few years. tough times occur and it's more common to cut your loses [which usually includes cutting a check] than to push your faith and try to work things out...



nowadays, the priceless qualities that should be valued: loyalty, patience, understanding, simply....aren't. unfortunately. as long as people are judged by their tax bracket and possessions, money will be the reason for an agreeance as well as a conflict in relationships. as long as one person has the upper hand in finances, the attitude of superiority is bound to pop it's ugly face all in the mix. hopefully i can find a man that can understand that making him 'jefe' doesn't mean that we can't be equals. at the end of it all, we need each other, therefore one isn't over the other. i understand that numbers don't lie, but the amount you hold in the bank doesn't totally outwieght the things in people that you can't replace.