Shallow L

Sometimes I feel myself caught up in the same shallow cycle: meet a good looking guy, become infatuated with his style, center our dates around night clubs and restaurants, become physically involved, then get to know him.... and wonder why I'm disappointed and telling my friends a story they  know too well. It's the human part of me that can't stop thinking about how well his features come together. The animal in me, that's wrapped up in how his cologne meshes with his body chemistry. I can't lie and say the physical isn't important, I just wish it had less bearing on my decision making.
I've had great conversations with people I wait on, or met through friends. We will share same view points, make each other laugh, and hold each others' interest. But because 9 times out of 10, he doesn't fit the 'mold' I envisioned for myself, and therefore will be placed in my friend pile. I end up choosing the guy that everyone seems to like, and have to end up fighting for the attention of someone who probably has no intention of having something long term. I don't know why I do that, but an unspoken but understood message gets sent to my brain that tells me, "we could never be 'we' ".
But sometimes I wonder.... "could he be the one who makes me happy?" I pray I stop selling myself short, and open myself up to new possibilities. I'll be ready... soon.

The Other Dark Meat

I have a home boy. Who I love to debate with. Because he always has a response that will make you reach back into your own personal almanac [of random but relevant information] just to keep up with the conversation. Daily I can rely on him to say something that will prompt that subject for our lunch meeting. The topic usually being men vs. women, with each of us representing our personal sides. There's talk of our recent relationships, jokes about pop culture, discussions on world issues, networking our resources, and a couple of flare ups... where we have to change the subject before someone loses an eye!

Even though we mostly agree to disagree, we both consider ourselves a part of the small percentage of people who still view the dynamics between men and women in a traditional way. I was telling him about a conversation I had with a male interest of mine. We had finally gotten to the point where we felt comfortable for me to spend the night, and during our conversation [and my preparation], I had mentioned that I was wrapping my then, pressed hair. This black man proceeded to tell me that if I wasn't going to sleep in his bed with a scarf on my head. At first I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but after listening to the frankness in his voice... I knew it was no joke. I laughed a little and proceeded to ask if he had a satin pillow case. His answer was no. Again, this was no joke. WTF?

I've seen comments on twitter and heard things from black men over the years about the things they don't like about black women. I've heard complaints that range from our appearance and beauty routines, to our bodies. Which I find, a little hurtful, because I am a black woman, and a little ridiculous because it's so contradictory. I'm not bashing on the men who decide to date outside of their race because they honestly have a connection, I'm talking to the men who think that any other race is better to date          than a black woman. I've read articles in magazines about black men going in groups to places like Rio de Janeiro and the Dominican Republic, to pay for sex from a voluptuous woman who makes these transactions everyday.
When I encounter one of these guys or find myself being told "why I can't date a black girl [me]", I can't help but to ask why. What is it about a black woman that makes it so difficult to love everything about us? The general consensus is mostly:

•  our 'attitude', and the size of it [which I really think refers to our temper or tolerance]
• our inability to "shut the fuck up" [but I don't think anyone would after being asked like that]
• the lack of domestic skills [which most of us hide because the concept of dating is a joke]
• presentation [wearing boy shorts, heels, full make up, and fresh hair just cause takes time away from completing other things and takes a lot of money! and most of y'all opinion of 'fine' is warped]

They go on to tell me how they need a Latin or Asian woman because they're the "type that know how to treat a man'. Or give me the cliche comment about them producing "pretty babies". True, it's more common in their culture for the woman to play a more submissive role in their relationship. And they are taught things like cooking and how to keep a house early. But most of these women I'm describing live in the smaller cities that surround the major ones. Women who grew up in multi member families in small facilities with the dream of being the one who moves out of their neighborhood to live well, and not because they found love. Please believe, the modern Latin, White, Asian, and Indian woman has the ability of producing just as much 'tude as we.

I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who didn't have the best examples in the world to learn from. And because of that, them and their children form the part of our race we shake our heads at. But that's more of an environmental thing and doesn't nearly represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.
I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who look the part but equate material to love. They offer stank attitudes and expectations of a pampered life and want the adoration and the respect in exchange. Again, that's more of an environmental thing, and doesn't represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.

I don't think there are set characteristics that belong to a specific race of women anymore. The world has changed, and the two major things that kept the the mars and venus score even, [family and religion] are far from our list of priorities. Trying to say that you can't date a black woman because of... let's call them what they are STEREOTYPES is just silly guys! Especially when there are so many other races that are rolling their necks and pointing their fingers. Just in other ways:

i hope the same trend isn't the same for the ladies....yikes!

Fishes

one of the things I remember and miss is my family's koi pond when I was a teen ager. We each had one that we felt represented ourselves. Mine reminded me of Cleo, from Pinocchio. Being a pisces, I've always felt close to anything that involves water and watching them swim around when I was younger helped me day dream. My dream is to have a koi pond again.

I love the variety of shimmery colors they come in, that they symbolize friendship and love, and the fact that they grow as large as their tank will allow, sometimes reaching in the feet.

They can adapt and survive many climates and conditions, live for centuries, and you can even train them to take food from your hand!

Hands down, the easiest and prettiest pet to have. So be kind and click on my pond to feed my fish, they'll love you forever for it.

I'll leave you with a little folklore:

The Legend of the Rainbow River

Japanese legend has it that every year thousands of Koi, a courageous, strong, and dedicated fish, make a perilous and difficult journey up the Rainbow (or Dragon) river. 

Out of perhaps a million Koi, only once in many years, one Koi is dedicated and strong enough to swim all the way to the head of the river, known as "The Dragon Gate" (or "The Rainbow Gate") and leap from the water. 

He is transformed into a dragon. This tattoo tells the story of this little Koi's journey. Up the inside of the collector's calf swims the determined little fish. Against all odds he reaches the head of the River and leaps from the water. Above the metaphorical Dragon's Gate of the collector's knee, the koi-fish begins his transformation mid leap, becoming a Koi-dragon, before continuing down the outside of the collector's calf as a full fledged dragon.

I'm Baaaaack!

 "Girl! Where you been? Where you been hiding?!" 

were the first words I heard when I came back to work at the club a couple of weeks ago. I knew what to expect that 'first day' back and the week that followed. Me, answering the same, evasive question from a bunch of strangers. I can't even remember who it was that started asking, in my opinion, the dumbest, and out of place question ever. Not because I was being asked in front of some of the nosiest people in a volume that demanded attention, but because it was coming from people who I knew couldn't care less what I had been up to the past six months. They were asking to simply...be nosy.

I've noticed that the reasons why people enter the adult industry vary greatly. It amazes me sometimes the severity or frivolousness the circumstances are, and I know my story is my own, so I try not to judge anyones situation. During my time in various clubs I've witnessed the ups and downs of the money flow, am aware of the trade off there is to live a socialite's life, and have seen many people during their own evolution. Of coming from a child in the world, to full grown women, with families and real issues. I remember the girls who travel during the "off season" or find themselves in relationships,and they choose to take a break...but eventually come back. One thing that I can say about this whole world of glamour and celebrity, is that its taxing. On your body as well as your spirit. And sometimes, the money, lifestyle, and high expectations from others becomes     too      much.

 I take breaks whenever I notice a change in myself. When my light hearted-ness turns into harsh sarcasm, or my appreciation for things isn't where I feel it should be, I take my position on the bench gracefully. And enter a new game. I don't think that after I saved up, started a lucrative business, and retired early, I could buy a fresh outlook on life. The money isn't worth me not being able to enjoy simple things. 

It used to bother me when others around me would give their smart ass comments, but they're also the same people who now ask me the steps I to to get out of a spoiled routine or are doing the same things as me. it should make me feel good to be able to be smug, but honestly I'm just glad that they're either doing something that they feel better doing, or at least has got the process started with a thought.

Its just another hustle. A means to an end, that I don't think ANY of us give up 100% as long as we're still in decent shape. Lol. My battery is recharged and it makes me happy to be able to take care of myself. Don't call it a comeback, just because I came back...I'm just doing what makes $ense!

I ♥ Him for this