LA Said: May 2010

The pace of life is slow. And most nights I spend at work or at home. There's no one 'special' in my life, and my collection of issues has formed an impressive layer of dust and is now scraping the ceiling. I can't remember the last time I boarded a plan for the adventure of exploring another city, or the last time the girls and I went out for a night on the town.

I NEED A CHANGE!

I've switched jobs quite a few times in the past year and a half, circle of friends, and frame of mind. Even though the inverse circumstances have me feeling a bit... dull, I've realized that even though life's adjustments can be uncomfortable, they're the only part in life that stays the same.
I admit that it takes a certain mentality to live in the fast lane. Entering young with no mentor or confidant, I went through phases, trying to find my way through the blur of craziness around me. Spending years in the popular clubs in Atlanta has taught me to be a chameleon. After a while of playing myself, I added the hair, lashes, blended eye shadow. I had to physically change, just to survive the superficial and judgmental business. Thinking back on that period in my life, I was a part of the intimate cycle that causes insecurities, judgment, and irrational dislike. Constantly being put under a micro scope, and compared to my co-worker, forced me to look at not only myself with more scrutiny, but at everyone else as well. We were told by managers, male colleagues, and customers why we were, or were not, good enough. Needless to say, I decided to change that part of my life; and found judgement in the strangest places.

Judgement. The element that causes change, and is created because of it. It's apparent that regardless of what I do, I will be judged by someone... in a negative way.

I decide to take a break from dancing =

the public's translation is I've somehow been rejected by the industry, or decided I'm too good for it.

I'm friendly and laugh a lot over dumb stuff =

that makes me promiscuous.

I've been gaining/losing the same 8 lbs. because of stress =

I'm on something

I'm a woman in my mid 20's with no children =

to men, something is wrong with ME.

I could go on, but my point has been made. It's ALWAYS gonna be something, for someone who doesn't want to see me for who I am, instead of what I'm not. The restaurant where I currently bar tend is no different. The other members on the schedule whisper and snicker about my previous profession; even though my description requires the same, if not more responsibility.

You can't stop someone from having an opinion and offering it to you. And these days everyone is smarter and has more insight than the next. The up and downs of my life might translate as unstable to some, but I want to know, what would you do if you were the head of your arena? How would you challenge yourself to do better, and where would you go from the top? Sociologists, psychologists, even screen writers offer the explanation that there's a natural order of things. There's a natural rise, a climax, and a fall, to every one's life. Some call it Karma, gravity, cows coming home, chickens coming to roost... In a nutshell: what comes up, must come down. And what's down, has no choice but to come back up.

Regrets? Sure. But my life isn't over, and all the great apartments I inhabited, friendships that are here and gone, and loves lost will only prepare me for my next glorious chapter.

For those of you sitting high on your throne, throwing down judgement instead of quarters...Lord help you on the way down!

one is the loneliest number.