Friday, December 31, 2010

How to Survive the New Years

Fucking procrastinators, smh I tell ya, I don't know why people wait until December 31st to get their lives together! I know folks got things to do but damn. Why add stress on top of obligation? Don't  mind me, I'm not an asshole, I just joke a lot. I can speak with this kind of confidence because I just stopped caring about countdowns, resolutions, and the lot. Personally, all it does is remind me how old I'm getting, lol. But for most, I know there's a lot of pressure around the holidays: toys for the kids, bomb food for the family, and clothes to club in. Then there's the NEW YEAR!

Yikes. I know. The thought of "starting over" can raise a level of anxiety even the coolest person didn't know existed, but before you beat yourself up by thinking of how bad 2010 was do me a favor and breath! Since stress is the response of actual [mostly imagined] emotional or physical threats, let's find a better way of handling the inevitable.  I hate when people gripe and complain about a situation and offer no solution so I thought of some ways the panicked pron ed can ease their way into 2011. I hope they help...

Christmas Re-Cap

Now that I'm older, the allure of wrapped retail doesn't have the same effect that it once did. These days, it's ALL about the food! When the holiday's roll around, my novice chef of a mother goes all out. Glazing hams, making sauces from scratch, baked goods, the whole nine yards. When I walk through the door and smell Michele's "in demand turkey", I feel all warm and tingly inside. Even though my holiday's had a rocky start, the concept of family balanced out my tortured mind. The morning of Christmas Eve, my mom cooked for her two kids at the same time, for the fist time, in a l   o   n   g time. I've always envisioned myself whipping up smiley face pancakes and tasty fritatas for my future husband and unborn children. My mother has spent her life making this dream for most, a reality for me. Catering to the ones you love is the theme in our family and is the definition of all days special.

Photobucket
"Mom went sausage, egg, AND cheese!"

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Pressure Busts Pipes

I had a talk with God in early September, telling Him that I was ready to find love again. You see good people, I had closed my heart shortly after my last mockery of a "relationship" [that I've rationalized doesn't count, lol], even when I told myself I would never let another person's messy-ness change me. I lost that battle and after 2 years of being single, I felt ready. In a matter of days, I was chatting it up with a very attractive guy that I followed on twitter who I affectionately call "Han". I mean, we instantly clicked sharing similar views on religion, family, kids, money, you name it, we shared the same brain. We both discovered that we had both lost parents to cancer in the same year and shared the infinite love of music. I just knew, that God had sent my soul mate through a direct message. I broke all my rules with him:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Get Into It

                   
Maybe this will help some of you get into the holiday spirit. I know it did for me ;)

Dream Deferred

                                           Photobucket

So I had mentioned a few posts ago that I was going on an extended vacation to a secret location. Lol. I know, so dramatic right? I'm supposed to be working, lounging in a beach chair, smoking exotic weed  
           right  
                                      now! 
But for circumstances that are out of my control, that isn't possible so....

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Soul Man

            

I miss R&B music. The kind that laid feelings on the line, and bared their souls in the name of love. The kind of music that made folks want to make babies and that remind me of so many nights of watching my parents slow dance in the kitchen. There's plenty of rhythm, but not enough blues in the 21st century and yeah, I want that "old thing" back. Luckily for those of you that are tired of clubbing in the car, the shower, or desk at work there's a refreshing remedy from an artist we all know.

Monday, December 13, 2010

NO H8

Photobucket
Steve-O for NO H8


NO GAY MARRIAGE!!! 

But for real, who the fuck cares? If a grown man or woman falls in love with the same sex who are we to get in the way of their happiness? Seeing how they're not hurting anyone or themselves, they're not holding back from uncle Sam... what's the beef? "Well, what about morals?" "What about the children?" What about all the children who are in unstable heterosexual households? What about the people who go to church on Sunday but lie, cheat, and steal during the week? Are we really that afraid of a lifestyle that is only different behind closed doors?

On a Jet Plane

I'm leaving.
I've been visiting with my mom and nieces for the past 3 months in Ohio figuring out my next move in life. The 72 acres with a pond and fields of oak tress and flowers was refreshing from city life... at first. But the leaves have been replaced with icicles, the ground is covered in white, and personally, I don't see much of a future working at Wal- Mart. My everyday routine centered around my young nieces schedules, exhausting my little mind as well as stifling my creativity.  But I'm thankful to spend this time with them and thankful I was afforded the space and time to plan what's next.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Boss or Bitch?

I think I've gotten this figured out: men are more emotional than women. Now before you give me my scarlet letter and begin my trial, allow me to elaborate. Ever since the beginning of time, men are allowed to indulge themselves in what ails them and hand out the excuse "a man's going to be a man" like they're flyers to an event. So according to history and shared egotism, man is doomed to be a fuck up. Seeing how making mistake after mistake is expected and all... Double standards make my ass itch, and no matter how many times I ask my male friends why men can do certain things that a woman "can't", the answers are shallow or non existent.

Meeting In The Ladies Room

"there's a meeting in the ladies room"




Ms. Keri has done it again! Providing the clueless men with a self explanatory ditty and encouraging girl power to those who need it most. From the beginning of her career she has shown that you can stress talent while still maintaining your sexy side. Penning the R&B hits '4 Minutes' for Avant and 'Take Me As I Am' for Mary J. not only solidifies Keri's legitimacy in the music industry, but has made her the unofficial Pretty Girl ambassador;

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Bad Girls do Bad Things

"I might be bad but I'm perfectly good at it!" -S&M
Every once in a while, I fall weak and peruse page six and..... to no surprise the fickleness of Hollywood's heart is on the move once again. One thing that has always boggled me when it comes to Hollywood relationships is how quickly they are formed and progressed. Celebs switch out lovers like fitted caps and are not thought any less of. Let a 'regular' chick make the same move and she has "smashed the homies" and is made to seem to be of lower caliber. But I digress...
Apparently, after the recent collaboration of 'Whats My Name' the "bad girl" and the Canadian prince have been spotted in bowling alleys and clubs snuggled; a public couple.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I'm No Fool

When dealing with the average "jump-off" their thought process shouldn't matter... as long as it benefits you. They can be a simple minded somebody wrapped in nice packaging that stay in their time restricted compartment until the tolerance for something deeper comes along. You can call them after 10 pm and always reach them. A restaurant or club is the ideal "date", and some sort of sexual encounter is given in exchange. The single life is made of stuff like that. Drunken nights that are often forgotten with plenty of shenanigans along the way. Its "cute" to be accompanied by that personality that is extreme: quick to get fucked up, quick to fight, quick to fuck.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Might Not Be So Bad




after a relationship fails, i can't help but to wonder what was the "real" reason why things fell apart. with so many options in any major city, it's my opinion that most people just lose patience with putting up with another's human-ness. it's not that the other person is really that bad, but the possibility for an upgrade is too convinient. if you're a girl like me, the fickleness of my partner's mind is not even a factor, and i automatically turn inward for answers. i wouldn't call "self-reflection" a form of low self esteem but when you're blind sided by a break up, you can't help but wonder if it's you...
during my first relationship, my first love took me through a rollercoaster of emotions.

The Phenomenon of the "Couple"

Modern day Love is a trip. I grew up seeing my parents/ grand parents/ great grandparents get married young and stay together; showing me the degree of commitment that it takes for Love to work. I navigated my way through life following the vintage concepts from my "love coaches", and looked for the same qualities in modern man. I've been fortunate enough to find Love early, but lost it due to a skewed perception of loyalty and just being plain 'ole fed up. Luckily, I've stumbled upon it again...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Haute

haute [oht]
  -adjective
high-class or high-toned. fancy.

high; elevated; upper



(future) Princess Kate
every princess needs a crown.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Get Ya Channel On!

Taking on a new persona makes us feel powerful, no doubt! Not saying that being you isn't enough, but its a fair statement to say that we have become creatures of immense change. Constantly evolving into who and what we want to be; which is challenged daily by peers, work, and technology.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Red or Green Pill?

When I think about all the people I used to know (because for whatever reason, we've outgrown each other), the dreaded "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" rear their ugly heads, filling me with regrets. Although these feelings are temporary, I can't help but be taunted by them whenever I feel lonely.

The lonliness causes me to go to the beginning of the friendship/ love affair and scan for the exact moment things went wrong.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Yo-Yo

shallow dreams



Omg. If I had to name the most dangerous things I've ever done in my life... this would definitely be in the top five. It ranks over being all up through a dope boi's operation and vacationing to Brazil with NO prior knowledge of the country...well, in my opinion. I say it's dangerous because it changes the way you think, and can effect areas of you that can take years to restore. I have to admit, I've done this two times. Both times were equally painful and were over all, not worth the time. What am I referring to?

Enough said.

I was a little low on motivation a couple of weeks ago, so after getting a few suggestions from twitter friends, I chose a topic that's been on my mind for a while. Lately, I've been wondering why things weren't going the way that I hoped. In between ending my position at the bar I was working at, a not-so-lucrative music video, and a botched bachelor party, I began to wonder why a "good person" like myself just couldn't seem to catch a break.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Deuces

I was recently employed as a bartender and server at an up and coming restaurant just outside the western perimeter of Atlanta for the past six months. I won't go into detail of the name or actual location, as the softy in me doesn't want to be the reason why anyone else is going through hard times. So yes, for the time being I chose to protect those who have wronged me.
I didn't know that during the first week of me working there,

Frenemies


We've all had one. Someone that we considered a "friend" that gives mediocre advice and is never really there when you need them. They laugh at your jokes and get you comfortable enough to share your problems; play both sides of the fence with your enemies, most of the time resulting in betrayal and a 'falling out'. The basis of the friendship usually revolves around a social scene. An environment where "who likes you" can contribute greatly in advancement. These people who fall under this category

Friday, July 2, 2010

Snuggie Sutra

I suppose there are some of us that actually do IT with the lights off. People who are ashamed of their bodies and what they do with them behind closed doors... for whatever reason. Thankfully I'm not one of those people! Lol. But if you happen to be a woman who doesn't like to be looked at while she's performing oral sex or a man with a less than desired physique and don't want to feel self conscious about it, they've got something new out on the market to make your situation go away! Or at least let you have sex with the lights on again!

Tribute

As all women know, we take a huge risk every time we put on a sexy pair of heels. Ankle injuries, circulation problems, tendon and joint pain are all in our future...anything, in the name of fashion.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Shallow L

Sometimes I feel myself caught up in the same shallow cycle: meet a good looking guy, become infatuated with his style, center our dates around night clubs and restaurants, become physically involved, then get to know him.... and wonder why I'm disappointed and telling my friends a story they  know too well. It's the human part of me that can't stop thinking about how well his features come together. The animal in me, that's wrapped up in how his cologne meshes with his body chemistry. I can't lie and say the physical isn't important, I just wish it had less bearing on my decision making.
I've had great conversations with people I wait on, or met through friends. We will share same view points, make each other laugh, and hold each others' interest. But because 9 times out of 10, he doesn't fit the 'mold' I envisioned for myself, and therefore will be placed in my friend pile. I end up choosing the guy that everyone seems to like, and have to end up fighting for the attention of someone who probably has no intention of having something long term. I don't know why I do that, but an unspoken but understood message gets sent to my brain that tells me, "we could never be 'we' ".
But sometimes I wonder.... "could he be the one who makes me happy?" I pray I stop selling myself short, and open myself up to new possibilities. I'll be ready... soon.

The Other Dark Meat


I have a home boy. Who I love to debate with. Because he always has a response that will make you reach back into your own personal almanac [of random but relevant information] just to keep up with the conversation. Daily I can rely on him to say something that will prompt that subject for our lunch meeting. The topic usually being men vs. women, with each of us representing our personal sides. There's talk of our recent relationships, jokes about pop culture, discussions on world issues, networking our resources, and a couple of flare ups... where we have to change the subject before someone loses an eye!

Even though we mostly agree to disagree, we both consider ourselves a part of the small percentage of people who still view the dynamics between men and women in a traditional way. I was telling him about a conversation I had with a male interest of mine. We had finally gotten to the point where we felt comfortable for me to spend the night, and during our conversation [and my preparation], I had mentioned that I was wrapping my then, pressed hair. This black man proceeded to tell me that if I wasn't going to sleep in his bed with a scarf on my head. At first I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but after listening to the frankness in his voice... I knew it was no joke. I laughed a little and proceeded to ask if he had a satin pillow case. His answer was no. Again, this was no joke. WTF?

I've seen comments on twitter and heard things from black men over the years about the things they don't like about black women. I've heard complaints that range from our appearance and beauty routines, to our bodies. Which I find, a little hurtful, because I am a black woman, and a little ridiculous because it's so contradictory. I'm not bashing on the men who decide to date outside of their race because they honestly have a connection, I'm talking to the men who think that any other race is better to date          than a black woman. I've read articles in magazines about black men going in groups to places like Rio de Janeiro and the Dominican Republic, to pay for sex from a voluptuous woman who makes these transactions everyday.
When I encounter one of these guys or find myself being told "why I can't date a black girl [me]", I can't help but to ask why. What is it about a black woman that makes it so difficult to love everything about us? The general consensus is mostly:


  •  our 'attitude', and the size of it [which I really think refers to our temper or tolerance]
  • our inability to "shut the fuck up" [but I don't think anyone would after being asked like that]
  • the lack of domestic skills [which most of us hide because the concept of dating is a joke]
  • presentation [wearing boy shorts, heels, full make up, and fresh hair just cause takes time away from completing other things and takes a lot of money! and most of y'all opinion of 'fine' is warped]
They go on to tell me how they need a Latin or Asian woman because they're the "type that know how to treat a man'. Or give me the cliche comment about them producing "pretty babies". True, it's more common in their culture for the woman to play a more submissive role in their relationship. And they are taught things like cooking and how to keep a house early. But most of these women I'm describing live in the smaller cities that surround the major ones. Women who grew up in multi member families in small facilities with the dream of being the one who moves out of their neighborhood to live well, and not because they found love. Please believe, the modern Latin, White, Asian, and Indian woman has the ability of producing just as much 'tude as we.

I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who didn't have the best examples in the world to learn from. And because of that, them and their children form the part of our race we shake our heads at. But that's more of an environmental thing and doesn't nearly represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.
I will admit, that there are a lot of black women who look the part but equate material to love. They offer stank attitudes and expectations of a pampered life and want the adoration and the respect in exchange. Again, that's more of an environmental thing, and doesn't represent the majority of us who come from healthy backgrounds.

I don't think there are set characteristics that belong to a specific race of women anymore. The world has changed, and the two major things that kept the the mars and venus score even, [family and religion] are far from our list of priorities. Trying to say that you can't date a black woman because of... let's call them what they are STEREOTYPES is just silly guys! Especially when there are so many other races that are rolling their necks and pointing their fingers. Just in other ways:









i hope the same trend isn't the same for the ladies....yikes!

Fishes



one of the things I remember and miss is my family's koi pond when I was a teen ager. We each had one that we felt represented ourselves. Mine reminded me of Cleo, from Pinocchio. Being a pisces, I've always felt close to anything that involves water and watching them swim around when I was younger helped me day dream. My dream is to have a koi pond again.

I love the variety of shimmery colors they come in, that they symbolize friendship and love, and the fact that they grow as large as their tank will allow, sometimes reaching in the feet.

They can adapt and survive many climates and conditions, live for centuries, and you can even train them to take food from your hand!

Hands down, the easiest and prettiest pet to have. So be kind and click on my pond to feed my fish, they'll love you forever for it.

I'll leave you with a little folklore:


The Legend of the Rainbow River
Japanese legend has it that every year thousands of Koi, a courageous, strong, and dedicated fish, make a perilous and difficult journey up the Rainbow (or Dragon) river. 
Out of perhaps a million Koi, only once in many years, one Koi is dedicated and strong enough to swim all the way to the head of the river, known as "The Dragon Gate" (or "The Rainbow Gate") and leap from the water. 
He is transformed into a dragon. This tattoo tells the story of this little Koi's journey. Up the inside of the collector's calf swims the determined little fish. Against all odds he reaches the head of the River and leaps from the water. Above the metaphorical Dragon's Gate of the collector's knee, the koi-fish begins his transformation mid leap, becoming a Koi-dragon, before continuing down the outside of the collector's calf as a full fledged dragon.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I'm Baaaaack!

 "Girl! Where you been? Where you been hiding?!" 
were the first words I heard when I came back to work at the club a couple of weeks ago. I knew what to expect that 'first day' back and the week that followed. Me, answering the same, evasive question from a bunch of strangers. I can't even remember who it was that started asking, in my opinion, the dumbest, and out of place question ever. Not because I was being asked in front of some of the nosiest people in a volume that demanded attention, but because it was coming from people who I knew couldn't care less what I had been up to the past six months. They were asking to simply...be nosy.
I've noticed that the reasons why people enter the adult industry vary greatly. It amazes me sometimes the severity or frivolousness the circumstances are, and I know my story is my own, so I try not to judge anyones situation. During my time in various clubs I've witnessed the ups and downs of the money flow, am aware of the trade off there is to live a socialite's life, and have seen many people during their own evolution. Of coming from a child in the world, to full grown women, with families and real issues. I remember the girls who travel during the "off season" or find themselves in relationships,and they choose to take a break...but eventually come back. One thing that I can say about this whole world of glamour and celebrity, is that its taxing. On your body as well as your spirit. And sometimes, the money, lifestyle, and high expectations from others becomes     too      much.
 I take breaks whenever I notice a change in myself. When my light hearted-ness turns into harsh sarcasm, or my appreciation for things isn't where I feel it should be, I take my position on the bench gracefully. And enter a new game. I don't think that after I saved up, started a lucrative business, and retired early, I could buy a fresh outlook on life. The money isn't worth me not being able to enjoy simple things. 
It used to bother me when others around me would give their smart ass comments, but they're also the same people who now ask me the steps I to to get out of a spoiled routine or are doing the same things as me. it should make me feel good to be able to be smug, but honestly I'm just glad that they're either doing something that they feel better doing, or at least has got the process started with a thought.
Its just another hustle. A means to an end, that I don't think ANY of us give up 100% as long as we're still in decent shape. Lol. My battery is recharged and it makes me happy to be able to take care of myself. Don't call it a comeback, just because I came back...I'm just doing what makes $ense!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I ♥ Him for this

That New New


caramel is the classic.
peanut butter is my fave.
it broke my heart when they stopped making cookies and cream
but then came...
java.

and i got over it.

$trenth In Numbers





written March 18, 2010
one thing i notice now that i'm older with dating, is the obvious power struggle that goes on between men and women. deciding who's in control early in the relationship really seems to be important . as a vintage girl living in a modern world, i'll let you have it! i have no problem with letting my partner "think" he has the upper hand. it's in a man's nature to need to know that he's in charge... honestly, when you use a little patience, let some shit slide, and let your man be a man, things are the better for everyone!




i was brought up in the church. youth ministry, usher, choir, bible study, outreach program, you name a day of the week, and you could find me at church. my mom ran the bookstore and my dad was in charge of the entire sound system and recording the sermons. being that my family was so involved, i had a true back stage, all access pass to every part of the church. i got to listen to the wisdom of many women, and what i admired so much about them, was the silent influence that they had over their household. in the public eye, they played the supporting cast that created a united front to all outsiders. but in her home and circle of friends, she's the muscle behind the whole operation and the reason why things are done with such care. yep, church was the place where i accepted the concept of what "lane" i should be in as a woman.



no one's perfect. i couldn't imagine what life would be like if me and all my habits were constantly put under review. with knowing this, how could i expect so much, from one person? i was having a debate [via text] with one of my side dishes about respect.



"u gotta stop actin like a nigga. u try to be waaaaaay too hard. it's okay to relax sometimes." was the message that he sent that got my brain going in another tangent: what behavoir is considered to be ladylike?



i've met some great men in my life. the kind that open doors, caress your hand while eating in popular restaurants, tell you how they feel, even the kind that will play the fool because they dig me that much. they've taught me things that would better me as a person and have showed genuine love... but i've mostly met assholes; that put more emphasis on getting physical than getting to know my name, lie to 'spare feelings', or use violence to control. after "crapping out" one too many times, i decided to take a break from finding someone to fufill me and focused on establishing myself. self sufficiency seemed to be respected far more than how well i respected others or myself. after spending so much time and energy taking care of myself, it's hard for me to allow someone, who doesn't know my struggle, to dictate how they feel i should be treated. many friends and relatives i know that raise children on their own, or have other situations that have made them be independent have a problem with submission. men, as well as women. i think my guy friend just wasn't comfortable with my inability to back down to bullshit and therefore found it, "un lady like". after thinking about it, i don't think it was the fact that i stood up for myself that bothered him as much as it was a blow to his ego that he couldn't get away with treating me how he gets to treat others. accusing me of being less than i am reverses the whole control thing... and now he's on top!



no matter which modern relationship i look at, the dynamics of their union don't seem to go very far. after the physical attraction comes the kids, which leads to property and a lucrative business to support a lifestyle that lacks love. the lack of personal connection makes the elaborate trips and shopping sprees a must. that type of treatment becomes an obligation, instead of a treat they knew their loved one would enjoy. being involved in such a charade makes it that much easier to call it quits after a few years. tough times occur and it's more common to cut your loses [which usually includes cutting a check] than to push your faith and try to work things out...



nowadays, the priceless qualities that should be valued: loyalty, patience, understanding, simply....aren't. unfortunately. as long as people are judged by their tax bracket and possessions, money will be the reason for an agreeance as well as a conflict in relationships. as long as one person has the upper hand in finances, the attitude of superiority is bound to pop it's ugly face all in the mix. hopefully i can find a man that can understand that making him 'jefe' doesn't mean that we can't be equals. at the end of it all, we need each other, therefore one isn't over the other. i understand that numbers don't lie, but the amount you hold in the bank doesn't totally outwieght the things in people that you can't replace.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Box-less.

Yes, yes, yes, I've had as many jobs as the jamaican's on In Living Color. So what?! I wear many hats. But don't throw me in a box to comfort yourself...

whatever it is... I'LL BE THAT! lol




funniest part= the 'fly' girl crashing into the car

moral of the story= don't try to be something you're not!

1.7 Leauges in the Sea

Everyone has heard about, seen footage, or read about the oil spill that started April 20, 2010. Rigs owned by BP is pouring over 1.7 million gallons of oil per day into the ocean... with no end in sight. I've seen pictures of ocean shore lines splashed with brown water, wildlife coated in oil, and learned about the 11 crew workers who are missing and presumed dead. All the news brings confusion to my mind, anger in my guts, and tears to my eyes. Recently, the spill reached the shore lines of Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. What I didn't know was that instead of coming up with a fix and trying it, BP is taking forever to come up with solutions and organizations are capitalizing off of this unfortunate event.

HORIZON RELIEF'S SOLUTION

I can't force people to take the time out to recycle their plastic and paper products to preserve our environment, but I will strongly suggest that people don't believe the media hype! The organization Horizon Relief is bottling up an ounce of oil and marsh water for the public to buy for $25. If you "donate" $1,000, you will receive a special edition numbered bottle from one of the biggest environmental disaster. All proceeds will go towards local workers who can't petition BP or get this......

the federal government for "assistance"
It strikes me as odd when an organization raises money for government assistance, and not for the families of those who died during the rig explosion, or towards clean up crews. BP has taken full responsibility and has assured citizens that the problem will be fixed; seeing how the government has denounced any responsibility towards cleaning up the spill. This is one of the most ridiculous attempts to pacify the public by a company/government that I've lived long enough to witness.




My prayers and thoughts are with the families of:
  • Dale Burkeen
  • Jason Anderson
  • Donald Clark
  • Stephen Curtis
  • Gordon Jones
  • Wyatt Kemp
  • Karl Kleppinger
  • Blair Manuel
  • Dewey Revette
  • Shame Roshto
  • Adam Weise
Let's not forget what's important!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Man of My Dreams

I was doing some shopping for some random items at a random crowded store, when I remembered the real reason I came out the house to join the retail madness: to see Him. Someone who doesn't belong to me [since I've become content with being single] but brings me great joy. I make my way through the bulk of bargains and I find Him. Busy, and inattentive. But with what? I can't really tell. I can't figure out if he's busy with work, or working on getting busy, either way, I feel totally neglected and stupid that I uprooted myself for someone who instantly made me feel less than what I am. A brief encounter ends up with a smart remark from his side, implying some irrational-ness from my part and now, I find myself in a tizzy. I remember coherently rambling reminders of all his indiscretions that might be the reasons why we're not together. I went on so long, my throat tightened, my voice raised, and my eyes filled with tears. His lack of responsibility to stand behind his own actions had thrown me into a panic attack [a condition I didn't develop until I started encountering dysfunctional relationships] and now I was in the middle of the store, arguing with a man who couldn't care less as he "excused himself" to complete random tasks. All I could do was stop while I was ahead to further avoid to appear as the 'crazy one', pull my hat down to cover my eyes, and walk out....

I woke up to a tear soaked pillow.

I believe there are hidden meanings in dreams. A part of your subconscious that unlocks suppressed desires and true wantings. I believe them to also give insight on things that are currently going on in your life, or will soon happen. Last night I was enjoying a double feature with a good friend at my favorite drive-in theater, when I got a text from an old flame. Someone who has proved, time after time, to be toxic to my personal growth. Whenever he's around, I transform into an irrational, emotional wreck still racked by our past. And the most dysfunctional part is that we never want to fully admit or even talk about what went wrong. But we're still greatly effected by it. Needless to say, I gave in to my addiction and agreed to 'get up and get out' of the house after the movies ended. After getting home and navigating my way through random links online, I fell asleep...and had that dream. I woke up around 8 this morning to a missed text at 5 a.m:
"you still up?"
At that moment, it clicked what role he wanted me to play in his life: the pretty face that's expected to eat any scrap of time that he's willing to throw her, even though he's involved with another woman. He wants me to be content with being an option; until he figures his next move. I've never been the kind of girl who makes plans with a man who's not my man after 9p.m. because I know the message it gives. I guess that over time he was expecting me to give up on finding love, but unlike him, I haven't let what others have done make me afraid to find what I want in my life. I can't remember the last time Him and I had a real conversation, and it'll probably be a while before we have another. So what's the point? He's told me about some of the mishaps in his life since I left it and his poor judgement has left him jaded and heartless. I feel sorry for Him and others who feel like everyone is out to get them, or only form friendships with certain people because they have something they want. It's unfortunate that they miss out on having a real connection because they're scared to feel, but I refuse to be used in any person's attempt on revenge.

When I looked up the significance of an ex in a dream, it suggested that I needed to avoid the area/ people in my life who remind me of the bad experiences I've been through. Or in the words of my great aunt: "stop touching the stove when you know it's hot!"
When I look back on my relationships, I definitely see a destructive pattern: I want to help and see people grow, but I put so much energy into seeing them succeed that I forget about my own goals. In the process of me being my man's biggest cheerleader, he starts believing his own hype and emotionally moves so far away from me that we're almost strangers. The end result usually ends with a bunch of unanswered questions and boxes of personal belongings by the door...
Finding the right one who treats me well in real life as well as my dreams feels like it's one of my life long goals, but that doesn't make me pathetic. It makes me aware. Of myself and what I know I need. What works for me, isn't going to work for most and as I push forward to become the person I want to be, I know that there will be people put in my way to derail me. All I can do is surround myself with people who want the best for me and keep listening to my nightmares as well as my dreams, because it's clear that both are necessary!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

BITCHY POST! (BP)

i am
TOO OLD
                            to be faking orgasms...

Friday, May 14, 2010

HUMBLE PIE

The pace of life is slow. And most nights I spend at work or at home. There's no one 'special' in my life, and my collection of issues has formed an impressive layer of dust and is now scraping the ceiling. I can't remember the last time I boarded a plan for the adventure of exploring another city, or the last time the girls and I went out for a night on the town.
I NEED A CHANGE!
I've switched jobs quite a few times in the past year and a half, circle of friends, and frame of mind. Even though the inverse circumstances have me feeling a bit... dull, I've realized that even though life's adjustments can be uncomfortable, they're the only part in life that stays the same.
I admit that it takes a certain mentality to live in the fast lane. Entering young with no mentor or confidant, I went through phases, trying to find my way through the blur of craziness around me. Spending years in the popular clubs in Atlanta has taught me to be a chameleon. After a while of playing myself, I added the hair, lashes, blended eye shadow. I had to physically change, just to survive the superficial and judgmental business. Thinking back on that period in my life, I was a part of the intimate cycle that causes insecurities, judgment, and irrational dislike. Constantly being put under a micro scope, and compared to my co-worker, forced me to look at not only myself with more scrutiny, but at everyone else as well. We were told by managers, male colleagues, and customers why we were, or were not, good enough. Needless to say, I decided to change that part of my life; and found judgement in the strangest places.

Judgement. The element that causes change, and is created because of it. It's apparent that regardless of what I do, I will be judged by someone... in a negative way.

I decide to take a break from dancing =
the public's translation is I've somehow been rejected by the industry, or decided I'm too good for it.

I'm friendly and laugh a lot over dumb stuff =
that makes me promiscuous.

I've been gaining/losing the same 8 lbs. because of stress =
I'm on something

I'm a woman in my mid 20's with no children =
to men, something is wrong with ME.

I could go on, but my point has been made. It's ALWAYS gonna be something, for someone who doesn't want to see me for who I am, instead of what I'm not. The restaurant where I currently bar tend is no different. The other members on the schedule whisper and snicker about my previous profession; even though my description requires the same, if not more responsibility.
You can't stop someone from having an opinion and offering it to you. And these days everyone is smarter and has more insight than the next. The up and downs of my life might translate as unstable to some, but I want to know, what would you do if you were the head of your arena? How would you challenge yourself to do better, and where would you go from the top? Sociologists, psychologists, even screen writers offer the explanation that there's a natural order of things. There's a natural rise, a climax, and a fall, to every one's life. Some call it Karma, gravity, cows coming home, chickens coming to roost... In a nutshell: what comes up, must come down. And what's down, has no choice but to come back up. 
Regrets? Sure. But my life isn't over, and all the great apartments I inhabited, friendships that are here and gone, and loves lost will only prepare me for my next glorious chapter. 
For those of you sitting high on your throne, throwing down judgement instead of quarters...Lord help  you on the way down!

one is the loneliest number.