after a relationship fails, i can't help but to wonder what was the "real" reason why things fell apart. with so many options in any major city, it's my opinion that most people just lose patience with putting up with another's human-ness. it's not that the other person is really that bad, but the possibility for an upgrade is too convinient. if you're a girl like me, the fickleness of my partner's mind is not even a factor, and i automatically turn inward for answers. i wouldn't call "self-reflection" a form of low self esteem but when you're blind sided by a break up, you can't help but wonder if it's you...
during my first relationship, my first love took me through a rollercoaster of emotions.
not only did he hold my heart, but he held my future, and my virginity. i was all in and after being burned by my lover over the years, i had become a bit numb. five years of arguments, other girls, and other mishaps... it was nothing for me to say with no feeling, "don't worry about calling me back," and meaning every word. it didn't mean that i loved him less, or that he was necessarily a 'bad guy', my take is we just didn't know what to do with each other. and sometimes that happens when you think what you want is what you need. now i look back on situations like that and wonder "what would have happened if i would have stayed"?
my second relationship was... one to remember. we began as two nobodies who simply wanted nothing else but to be together, and quickly became quite the 'power couple' (respectively) in our circle. we did everything together and everyone around us knew, we belonged to each other. i thought i found my "one", until he began to branch out and become successful in the music business. with new-found recognition comes more money, desperate women, and ego... it felt like i was in a relationship with a stranger, who all of a sudden, became too good to be with me. it was too much to deal with... so i left.
the third relationship was definitely a turning point. everything started out perfect; if there is such a thing. he was beautiful and so different to me. we had a comfortable life: work, our dogs, our movie outings, his friends (and their girlfriends). i omitted details about the people i've dated in the past. i didn't think it would be that big of a deal, of who i've dated in the past! but it caused that nigga insecurity to show up and created an obvious divide in our relationship. needless to say, love turned simply into routine... and after one disregarding of my feelings to many, i left.
the feeling of an empty bed or going to the movies alone used to scare me. i saw women sitting by themselves in normal social settings and wondered what was wrong with them. not knowing that in reality, they were further evolved and that much stronger than i was. they didn't have the convinience of companionship, but they were still able to function. getting over that initial hump was hard when i was so used to having someone around. i had grown accustom to worrying about somebody else and not enough about me, that now alone, i didn't know what to do with myself! i realized after a while, that what we had was simply a routine; and i was using him as a crutch because i didn't feel strong enough to stand alone.
thank god for my mom who never let me forget my value.
i continued to move forward and before i knew it, had created my own routine that involved nothing but getting used to being myself. the more i got comfortable with literally being my own best company, the easier i could understand my strengths and know what to look for in a partner. now when things don't work out, i reflect in a more realistic way and wonder what did "we" do, instead of blaming myself. the ending of a relationship doesn't mean that it's your karma coming back to haunt you by taking the "best thing" out of your life. sometimes it makes room for the real thing to come along, and happiness is always best!
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